Working woman.

It’s weird for me sometimes having two blogs.  My other blog is typically just for yoga talk.  This blog tends to house all of my other thoughts.  It works, but sometimes I struggle to figure out where to write certain things.  Yoga is such a huge part of my life, it’s rare for me to write anything without mentioning it at least a bit.  But the variety is nice, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve been really enjoying  Matt’s new blog.  It’s great, you should definitely read it.  And comment, and join in the discussions.  Go now, I will wait.

Anyhow.

I have a job.  How weird is that?  I have spent the past eight years of my life basically unemployed.  Prior to that I worked for YWAM Denver.  Which, depending on how you look at it wasn’t really employment per se.  So now, at the age of 29, I have a real job.  Except, well, it’s the best.. job… ever.

Being a yoga teacher, for me, is..  well…  perfect.  It’s the perfect job for me.  Really.  It’s been funny to suddenly be on a schedule, getting paid (OK that part is more awesome than weird or funny), and having to be on time for work.  I don’t mind, I’m a grown up, and I love teaching.  But seriously, I have a job.  A real job.  Nice one, mamma.

Working has been good for me.  It’s given me time doing the thing I love, teaching yoga, and some time to be alone a bit.  But there are a few interesting things I’ve learned and observed lately about myself, working, and having a job. (I am shamelessly stealing this list making idea from Matt, thanks Matt)

When you have a job, alarm clocks take on new importance.
I am obsessed with being on time, and I’m almost always early.
A good cup or maté, or a good cup of coffee is essential when working before 6 am.
Being a “Yoga Teacher” solicits a LOT of interesting responses.
I have the BEST work wardrobe ever.
My “office” is really hot.  But it’s supposed to be.  I like it.
Having a good relationship with your boss is really important.
A warm cup of tea in the middle of the afternoon can really fix almost anything.
Feeling good about what you do for a living might be one of the biggest keys to being happy in life.
My kids love it that “Mommy works at Yoga.”
Spending a whole day away from home makes those ‘welcome home’ hugs and kisses even better.
Working is rewarding.
Working can be exhausting.
Working is sometimes boring.
I like having a job.
Sometimes a granola bar and a cup of soy milk is enough for dinner.
I don’t go anywhere without a bottle of water.
Having access to unlimited tea, Kombucha, and coconut water is awe-some.
I have the best job ever.

Gravity and the New.

What is it about New Year’s?  Even I, in all my ho-hum pensiveness, cannot escape the inevitable draw to reflect and look forward at this time of year.  So here I am.  It’s January 1, 2009.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about the importance of this date.  Of course, it’s a new year, day one.  But at the same time, it’s just another day.  This day found me much the same as the past few days have found me.  I woke, ate, showered, dressed, went out.  I took a yoga class, came home.  Not much is really different.  But there is some sort of strange gravity about this day, and I kinda like it.

I’ve had a killer year.  2008 was by far, the best year of my life..  ever.  I accomplished things this year that I would never have even thought were possible.  I never like overly quantifying things, especially good things, because I think it somehow devalues them.  So, I’m not going to say, “this was the best thing, and that was the second best thing..”  It doesn’t matter.  It was a good year.  I made some incredible life changes this year, climbed some amazing mountains, dealt with huge things, and gained some very important perspective on my life.  I grew up, got healthier, took control of my life, and did things I’ve always wanted to do.  It was a good year.

I was reading Matt’s recent post on his New Blog (which I love) and was inspired to think of all the New things in my life.  I have a New Job.  I am a New Bikram Yoga Teacher.  I have a New Life, New Body, and New Hope.  I have many New Friends, who have become like a precious family to me.  I have New Patterns and New Dreams.  I want even more New Things for 2009.

I am not the type to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I think they’re fine, for what they are, but they have never served me well.  I don’t make lists of things I want to do.  Instead, I set my intention on making changes.  This year I have a few major changes I want to make.  They are things that have already been set in motion over the past few months, and even years.  I look forward to seeing them come to fruition in 2009.

Even with all the New things in my life, even with the goals I have set for this year, I still find myself mostly just grateful for right now.  2008 was an incredible year for me.  So, in light of that, I will share a list with you all of some of the things I am most thankful for from the past year.

I am thankful that I am healthier today than I was one year ago.
I am thankful that I am still doing Bikram Yoga
I am thankful that my family is healthy and whole.
I am thankful for the love Dave and I share.
I am thankful to have the ability to maintain the boundaries I have set in my life.
I am thankful to have met so many amazing new friends this year.
I am thankful for the strength I have found inside.
I am thankful that I was able to do Teacher Training.
I am thankful for the support that I have to pursue my dreams.
I am thankful for my home studio, my job, my bosses, my fellow teachers, and the amazing community at BYTW.
I am thankful that I can share yoga with others.
I am thankful this year brought me hope.
I am thankful to be healthy and well.
I am thankful for every blessing.

I wish you all an amazing New Year.  Remember to give thanks always.

Namaste.

Checking a few things off of my list, and flying away to Acapulco.

Yup, it’s time. I’m leaving in three days. I am flying away to Acapulco for Training. I will miss you all but am TOTALLY STOKED about finally doing this. I’m checking a few things off of my *list* by doing this. YAYY!!!

If you get to thinking about me, or missing me, or just want to know what the heck is going on with me for the next nine or so weeks, please read my Bikram Blog.

I hope you all have a lovely Fall and I look forward to seeing you again in November!

Namaste.

Where I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going…

I haven’t forgotten you blog.  It must seem that way.  The truth is my life has changed 100 percent in the past month and I’ve been so busy holding on for dear life that I haven’t had as much time to write for writing’s sake as I used to.  I am not complaining, of course, just sharing.

I’m sitting here, my entire house silent.  My guys are all asleep.  It’s not even that late, barely 10 pm.  But it’s been the kind of week that makes this day (Wednesday) feel like it should surely already be Friday.  It’s not, by the way.  Here we are mid-week, all of the life lived already in the past three days seem enough to fill several weeks for certain.

I’m on the eve of a massive life journey.  Really, if you get right to it, the journey began years ago.  Ten years ago, to be exact.  I always wanted to be a yoga teacher.  Now it’s finally happening.  I’m learning the Dialog, really, and it’s happening.  I’m going to class SO MUCH.  I’m preparing, thinking, planning, and praying.. a LOT.  This is who I am now.  Karen, the future Bikram Yoga teacher.  It doesn’t even feel strange.  It feels like the next place I put my foot on the road, the next rung on the ladder.  This is all part of who I am, and who I am meant to be.  My body is stronger, healthier, leaner than ever.  I am a yoga machine, and I like it.  In about six weeks I will board a plane and (eventually) arrive in Acapulco, Mexico.  I will then spend nine weeks immersed in this yoga that has saved my lfie.  I will sweat and sweat and sweat and sweat and sweat.  I will cry, and miss my family.  I will work, and learn, and hope, and think, and imagine life from a new perspecitve.  I will change whether I desire it or not.  I will allow the miracle of my God-given blessings to wash over me.  I will be thankful.

But this is all in the future.  And I am forced now, six weeks out from my departure, to remain present in this life.  I am mom, wife, friend, confidant.  I am who I will always be, and not  yet who I will become.  I have inside of me all the potential, and none of the experience.  It’s a strange station, but also a relief.  One day at a time, I am still here.

I am asked often if I miss my normal life.  I’m still not sure what this means.  The only thing I can surmise is that maybe people wonder if I miss the old life, before I leapt off the cliff and went for my dreams.  I can’t figure out why I would miss that, but I suppose it’s something to ask.  The answer is no, I miss nothing.  I don’t miss the old person.  I don’t miss having “more time to myself when I wasn’t going to yoga all the time.”  Nope, I don’t miss that at all.  This is normal to me now, whatever ‘normal’ is anyway.  Normal always sounds a little bit like a cop-out or an excuse people offer themselves for the doubts and fear they carry over living life just underneath their true potential.  But I might just be projecting…

So Where am I?  Right where I’m meant to be.  Where have I been?  I’ve been here all along, but in a coccoon of sorts.  Changing, going through my metamorphosis.  Where am I going?  In the literal, I am going to Mexico soon for 9 weeks.

I will always be here.  I will always be.  But I hope that when I look back, I see new scenery each time.

Pouring out.

I’m reminded tonight, as I sit to write about all the things on my mind of something Matt said once in a VPost while he was recording in Austin. He talked about feeling vulnerable, having the jitters, and being nervous. He goes on to talk about his emotional attachment to what he does and why he creates the way he does. I connect with this tonight, as I sit down here at the screen, somehow hoping to find some solace from the thoughts I wrestle with today. Matt touches on how he pours himself emotionally into his music, and how this often drains him. He goes on to talk about the ebb and flow of energy and how sometimes the enthusiasm for the things we really do love can change. Even though we love those things, and though the love never goes away, feelings fluctuate. Some days I feel this way about yoga. Some days I adore it, crave it, go after it. Other days, even though I still love it, I feel drained and nervous. I’ve taken this as a good sign of my real relationship with my practice, but it’s not easy.

As I talk about Teacher Training, I feel a mounting anxiety. It’s not an anxiety that I can’t or shouldn’t, or don’t want to go. It’s more of the anxiety a performer feels before they go on the stage. I feel like Training is me putting myself and my dreams on the line. I’ve been dreaming of teaching yoga for a long time, and to finally have my hand on that is a pretty big deal for me. But along with that dream, and the realization of it, comes a responsibility. I don’t mean to over-dramatize it or make it seem bigger than it is. But it makes me nervous thinking of going. Nervous in a good way. Nervous in the way that I know it’s going to demand a lot of my heart and soul, and I know.. I know what that means.

Lately, when I get on the mat, I feel centered. My mat is my safe haven. It’s neutral ground for me. Even when I have a tough class, I feel safe, secure. Even as the butterflies come and go, I feel grounded. But there are days (mornings, nights) when I sometimes feel like I leave a little too much on the mat. At times I feel that I give so much and pour out so much emotion in my class, it leaves me feeling empty. I am sure this is part of my process. I am sure I will learn to harness this, and I will learn to be more judicious with putting out emotional energy in class. But tonight, with early class ahead of me, I dunno. I feel nervous.

Matt says, “It’s not about it being easy..” He’s right. Practicing isn’t about it being easy for me. Neither is Training, or teaching. I have every confidence I can learn to teach and do it well. For me it’s about doing it with my heart, but still being able to function afterward.

So those are my very disjointed thoughts right now. I must be off to bed soon so I can get up early for class.

BYTW mentioned in Yoga Journal!

This entry was also posted on my Bikram Blog. But the news is too cool not to share here

Anyone who has ever taken a 9:30 class at Bikram Yoga The Woodlands knows that the babysitting room is the place to be. Babysitting is free six days a week at BYTW and it is an invaluable resource to many of the parents attending classes. Recently Yoga Journal highlighted the business of adding babysitting to studios and highlighted our very own Jen Ballew and the fabulous babysitting system in place at BYTW. Jen took the opportunity to share some of activities available to the kids when they come to babysitting. (article by Sage Rountree)

At Bikram Yoga in The Woodlands, children are often treated to special activities. “We have yoga videos we show them, and one of the moms, a kids’ yoga instructor, will [sometimes] come and teach a class. Another mom comes in on Saturdays—she’s an art director at a school, so she has projects for the kids every Saturday,” Ballew says. Such activities focus children’s energies and keep everyone happy.

Rountree goes on to say,

Many women are introduced to yoga in prenatal classes, where they form a bond with their babies and with each other. But the demands of early childhood destabilize schedules, leaving new parents feeling isolated. Attending a studio class offers parents a sense of connection, both with themselves and with others.

Such was absolutely the case for me. Having babysitting available to me gave me one of my only ways to practice early on in my days at BYTW.

I think offering this service is a wonderful way to create community among students. The moms (and dads!) at BYTW are a supportive group who tend to know one another. The environment is positive for the kids and very convenient. Additionally, what better example to set for your children than developing the healthy habit of Bikram Yoga?? My children love “going to yoga with mommy” and are always excited to be at the studio. The staff love the kids and who wouldn’t love to see the bright smiling face of a child after class?? It’s a breath of fresh air!

Fighting

If you follow my other blog, you know I have been pretty exhausted today. In fact, I was so worn out earlier that I had a veritable meltdown. Complete with crying and feeling hopeless and sorry for myself. I definitely have had finer moments. But as I have said before, this Challenge is very difficult. And in ways I would have never thought. So days like these are expected.

What I come out of this day with is this thought; sometimes our exhaustion forces us into a dependence that we would never have found if were able bodied. In other words, once we lose the will to fight the real work can begin. I literally got down to the rawest emotional state I have been in for a very long time today. I fought tears many times today on my mat (a few times unsuccessfully). And the regular work of my everyday life seemed a far heavier weight to bear than normal. But now as I sit here, with the stress of the day behind me, I feel much more clarity. I am still exhausted, to be sure. I think the difference now is that I have given myself the space I needed to lose the will to fight.

I’ve been fighting a lot lately. Fighting fatigue, fighting with my eating, fighting my body, fighting my ego. It’s a lot of energy to expel. Today, I’d fought my last fight. I remember at one point standing on my mat after the first set of Half Moon and wanting to run out of the room. I wasn’t overheated, I wasn’t breathless, I was just.. angry. Angry and sick of fighting. And exhausted. Really exhausted.

One of the most interesting things about Bikram Yoga is that it’s always been my solace. Even on those days that I feel so tired, the mat is my refuge. People wonder why I don’t take days off. I understand the logic of giving the body a break. I know the benefits of rest and allowing the body time to restore. I calculated 14 and a half hours I have put in on the mat already this week. That’s more than half of a whole day. In one week. That’s a lot of time. But the truth is that it’s not the yoga that I want a break from, it’s my mind. My racing, raging brain that wants to fight and fix and plan. My mind that doesn’t trust the process.

So very soon I am going to take myself to bed. I will sleep, get up, and go back to my mat. And I may still be tired. I may still feel exhausted and weary. But at least the fighter in me can take some time off. I think she’s due a nice long vacation.

Gratitude

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about Teacher Training, Bikram Yoga, and other people on the Challenge from all over the world. It’s inspiring, and exciting to know that the Bikram world is so huge. But today, after my HUGE day of yoga, I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I was laying on my mat after Advanced today and really had that, “I could cry I am so happy” feeling come over me. It’s like a wash of emotion that has been hitting me a lot lately. I feel like this yoga has given me my life back. I know I talk about this a lot, but I can’t say it enough. Bikram yoga has changed me so much, I can’t even recognize the person in the mirror some days. I feel a little bit like I’ve been handed a very fragile gift, that if I drop it, will shatter into a million pieces. But at my core, I feel like even if it shattered, I’d still be grounded.

The most profound changes have been happening in my body, mind, and heart. I have read so many of those stories and testimonials about Bikram students and the incredible things they’ve seen happen for them. But I’m here to tell you, I have to get in the line with them. I cannot believe that I am able to do nearly four hours of hot yoga and still be so full of energy. I can stand on one leg, twist my body, work, push, and do it all with a smile. Bikram says over and over and over, “give me your time and I will give you your life back.” It’s incredible, and so true. I crave that hot little space, my mat, the work.

So, I just wanted to spill a little bit with my gratitude. As the next few months unfold and I prepare for training, I want to look back on this day and remember this feeling. Even when the days are hard, and the classes make me angry. I want to remember this gratitude and know that no matter what, I am a new person..

In which I try desperately to write about something besides yoga, and fail miserably.

Feels like ages since I’ve written a “normal” blog post. OK so it’s only been a few days, but it feels like much longer. I have a good reason for this. I am six days into my 60 Day Challenge. See, I can’t write without talking about yoga. Sorry, love it or leave it.

My whole life is YOGA YOGA YOGA. And, also LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY!!! OMG does MY yoga mat really smell like that?? Whoa.. more laundry.

Friends, it is official, I am planning to attend Bikram Yoga Teacher Training!! YES! It’s true, I am admitting it fully and openly right here in cyberspace. Enter the paralyzing fear and doubt…. now. Dave and I, after a very long intense conversation, have decided to move forward with this. God willing, I will go next April to the 2009 Spring Training. Yes, that’s ten months away. Also, YES I AM FREAKING OUT TOO!

So, what does that mean? That means I have ten months to learn Bikram’s MASSIVE dialog, ten months to get my money together (YOWZA), and ten months to kick my own ass into shape. It also means I have ten months to work all these tiiiiny details out. Details like: OH! by the way I’ll be in Acapulco for nine weeks, I won’t be around my kids for that time, oh and HELLO it’s in MEXICO!!! Yes, there’s a lot to be worked out. But never fear, this mamma’s got a plan. And a whole HEAP of support from every single person I’ve told (or who has sneakily found out, JENNIE BALLEW!!!!). In fact, since we’re on that subject; WOW is everyone supportive. Jen almost climbed over the desk to hug me this morning when we were chatting and all of my friends – while I am preeety sure they’ve decided I am insane – are ecstatic. That part feels great. And I’m sure as the next few months roll on, and the day draws nearer, I will need all of those hugs and cheers. Because HELLO IT’S NINE WEEKS OF BIKRAM YOGA.. OH MY GOD….

*ahem* But I am really really excited. I really am. I’ve wanted to do this for so long. And it’s weird to finally decide to do it. I mean, we talk about it, right?? I’ve talked about it. I even put it on my “List.” And (yes, THANKS Chantelle) once it’s done, I will have accomplished 2 of the things I have always wanted to do my whole life. Maybe three, I’ll have to check the list.

So, yes, YOGA YOGA YOGA! This is my life, and will be my life now, well… for good. I’m still processing this reality. Give me a few months.

The Challenge is going well. I’m feeling great and writing about it a lot. So check out my other blog when you start missing me, OK??

Love to you all!

Normal

I haven’t been talking much about my raw food experience. Several reasons, really. But mostly because it’s just so.. complex. I find it hard to write about it. Also, it changes daily, which is probably the perfect reason to blog about it. But anyway, I haven’t been saying much. I am going on nine weeks. And the other day I was driving and thinking about it and almost thought I had lost track of how long it had been. I consider losing track a good sign for me. A sign that I am developing acceptance and no longer marking days and weeks, but just living the life. Which is, afterall, my goal.

So, in taking up my new Bikram Challenge, I also took up another challenge. I decided I wanted to do my entire challenge 100% raw. Cuz, I don’t like for anything to be easy. And also, because I felt like it was the perfect time to stop making excuses and let go of that last little bit of cooked food I’ve been clinging to in my diet.

This raw food thing is complex for me. It’s tough, and easy all at the same time. Today we went out to dinner with family. It was odd for me, I haven’t eaten socially much since doing this. And, we ended up at a completely not raw-friendly restaurant. And yet, sitting there, I was at such peace. I ordered my salad, and didn’t worry. My family is still weirded out. They still haven’t let go of trying to “get it..” I dunno, maybe they never will. For me, it doesn’t matter. I told Dave in the car on the way to the restaurant, my diet is not on the table for discussion tonight. He agreed, and it wasn’t..really. But it’s hard for them to not ask a million questions. I admire and respect their curiosity. And I try to be gracious and share when asked. But there are times, many many times, I just want to eat my salad and not be “the weird one.” I know this is not, in fact, the normal way for most people. But I am trying to make it normal, at least for me.

I feel resolute, and much less whiny about my eating than when I started. I struggled so much with cravings. The most recent battle I’ve had is my cravings for bread, wheat, anything with gluten. Probably THE worst thing I could actually eat. And yes, I’ve failed, and I have gotten up and started over.. Respecting the process, of course.

I was laying in final Savasana this morning thinking about what it means to be normal. I think normal is an illusion. It’s like a carrot dangled in front of us. I’ve never really wanted one way or the other to be normal or not. I remain indifferent. But sometimes, when I’m the “raw yoga girl,” being normal seems pretty appealing in a crowd.

But then I remember all those silly things people say about changing the world and making a difference and doing things my own way. Different drummer and all that. And I wonder if we really mean it or if it’s something we say to somehow soothe the insecurity we feel from feeling too normal. I mean, look at me. I sit here with the most amazing life and yet, I want that normal feeling. Crazy, really.

Sixty days ago, I woke up and headed down this path. Sixty days ago. To the day. Two full months. I had no idea then what I would feel like now. Literally a new person inside and out. I’ve shed so much of the old person. It’s like an ongoing metamorphosis. I feel it in fast forward some days. Other days it seems to not be happening at all. But underneath all those little insecurities, when I am desperately searching for a road marker, I feel that peace. That abiding peace that tells me, “this is who I’ve always wanted to be. This is who I am supposed to be.”

And really, I think that’s better than being normal.