Pouring out.

I’m reminded tonight, as I sit to write about all the things on my mind of something Matt said once in a VPost while he was recording in Austin. He talked about feeling vulnerable, having the jitters, and being nervous. He goes on to talk about his emotional attachment to what he does and why he creates the way he does. I connect with this tonight, as I sit down here at the screen, somehow hoping to find some solace from the thoughts I wrestle with today. Matt touches on how he pours himself emotionally into his music, and how this often drains him. He goes on to talk about the ebb and flow of energy and how sometimes the enthusiasm for the things we really do love can change. Even though we love those things, and though the love never goes away, feelings fluctuate. Some days I feel this way about yoga. Some days I adore it, crave it, go after it. Other days, even though I still love it, I feel drained and nervous. I’ve taken this as a good sign of my real relationship with my practice, but it’s not easy.

As I talk about Teacher Training, I feel a mounting anxiety. It’s not an anxiety that I can’t or shouldn’t, or don’t want to go. It’s more of the anxiety a performer feels before they go on the stage. I feel like Training is me putting myself and my dreams on the line. I’ve been dreaming of teaching yoga for a long time, and to finally have my hand on that is a pretty big deal for me. But along with that dream, and the realization of it, comes a responsibility. I don’t mean to over-dramatize it or make it seem bigger than it is. But it makes me nervous thinking of going. Nervous in a good way. Nervous in the way that I know it’s going to demand a lot of my heart and soul, and I know.. I know what that means.

Lately, when I get on the mat, I feel centered. My mat is my safe haven. It’s neutral ground for me. Even when I have a tough class, I feel safe, secure. Even as the butterflies come and go, I feel grounded. But there are days (mornings, nights) when I sometimes feel like I leave a little too much on the mat. At times I feel that I give so much and pour out so much emotion in my class, it leaves me feeling empty. I am sure this is part of my process. I am sure I will learn to harness this, and I will learn to be more judicious with putting out emotional energy in class. But tonight, with early class ahead of me, I dunno. I feel nervous.

Matt says, “It’s not about it being easy..” He’s right. Practicing isn’t about it being easy for me. Neither is Training, or teaching. I have every confidence I can learn to teach and do it well. For me it’s about doing it with my heart, but still being able to function afterward.

So those are my very disjointed thoughts right now. I must be off to bed soon so I can get up early for class.

Fighting

If you follow my other blog, you know I have been pretty exhausted today. In fact, I was so worn out earlier that I had a veritable meltdown. Complete with crying and feeling hopeless and sorry for myself. I definitely have had finer moments. But as I have said before, this Challenge is very difficult. And in ways I would have never thought. So days like these are expected.

What I come out of this day with is this thought; sometimes our exhaustion forces us into a dependence that we would never have found if were able bodied. In other words, once we lose the will to fight the real work can begin. I literally got down to the rawest emotional state I have been in for a very long time today. I fought tears many times today on my mat (a few times unsuccessfully). And the regular work of my everyday life seemed a far heavier weight to bear than normal. But now as I sit here, with the stress of the day behind me, I feel much more clarity. I am still exhausted, to be sure. I think the difference now is that I have given myself the space I needed to lose the will to fight.

I’ve been fighting a lot lately. Fighting fatigue, fighting with my eating, fighting my body, fighting my ego. It’s a lot of energy to expel. Today, I’d fought my last fight. I remember at one point standing on my mat after the first set of Half Moon and wanting to run out of the room. I wasn’t overheated, I wasn’t breathless, I was just.. angry. Angry and sick of fighting. And exhausted. Really exhausted.

One of the most interesting things about Bikram Yoga is that it’s always been my solace. Even on those days that I feel so tired, the mat is my refuge. People wonder why I don’t take days off. I understand the logic of giving the body a break. I know the benefits of rest and allowing the body time to restore. I calculated 14 and a half hours I have put in on the mat already this week. That’s more than half of a whole day. In one week. That’s a lot of time. But the truth is that it’s not the yoga that I want a break from, it’s my mind. My racing, raging brain that wants to fight and fix and plan. My mind that doesn’t trust the process.

So very soon I am going to take myself to bed. I will sleep, get up, and go back to my mat. And I may still be tired. I may still feel exhausted and weary. But at least the fighter in me can take some time off. I think she’s due a nice long vacation.

Gratitude

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about Teacher Training, Bikram Yoga, and other people on the Challenge from all over the world. It’s inspiring, and exciting to know that the Bikram world is so huge. But today, after my HUGE day of yoga, I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I was laying on my mat after Advanced today and really had that, “I could cry I am so happy” feeling come over me. It’s like a wash of emotion that has been hitting me a lot lately. I feel like this yoga has given me my life back. I know I talk about this a lot, but I can’t say it enough. Bikram yoga has changed me so much, I can’t even recognize the person in the mirror some days. I feel a little bit like I’ve been handed a very fragile gift, that if I drop it, will shatter into a million pieces. But at my core, I feel like even if it shattered, I’d still be grounded.

The most profound changes have been happening in my body, mind, and heart. I have read so many of those stories and testimonials about Bikram students and the incredible things they’ve seen happen for them. But I’m here to tell you, I have to get in the line with them. I cannot believe that I am able to do nearly four hours of hot yoga and still be so full of energy. I can stand on one leg, twist my body, work, push, and do it all with a smile. Bikram says over and over and over, “give me your time and I will give you your life back.” It’s incredible, and so true. I crave that hot little space, my mat, the work.

So, I just wanted to spill a little bit with my gratitude. As the next few months unfold and I prepare for training, I want to look back on this day and remember this feeling. Even when the days are hard, and the classes make me angry. I want to remember this gratitude and know that no matter what, I am a new person..

In which I try desperately to write about something besides yoga, and fail miserably.

Feels like ages since I’ve written a “normal” blog post. OK so it’s only been a few days, but it feels like much longer. I have a good reason for this. I am six days into my 60 Day Challenge. See, I can’t write without talking about yoga. Sorry, love it or leave it.

My whole life is YOGA YOGA YOGA. And, also LAUNDRY LAUNDRY LAUNDRY!!! OMG does MY yoga mat really smell like that?? Whoa.. more laundry.

Friends, it is official, I am planning to attend Bikram Yoga Teacher Training!! YES! It’s true, I am admitting it fully and openly right here in cyberspace. Enter the paralyzing fear and doubt…. now. Dave and I, after a very long intense conversation, have decided to move forward with this. God willing, I will go next April to the 2009 Spring Training. Yes, that’s ten months away. Also, YES I AM FREAKING OUT TOO!

So, what does that mean? That means I have ten months to learn Bikram’s MASSIVE dialog, ten months to get my money together (YOWZA), and ten months to kick my own ass into shape. It also means I have ten months to work all these tiiiiny details out. Details like: OH! by the way I’ll be in Acapulco for nine weeks, I won’t be around my kids for that time, oh and HELLO it’s in MEXICO!!! Yes, there’s a lot to be worked out. But never fear, this mamma’s got a plan. And a whole HEAP of support from every single person I’ve told (or who has sneakily found out, JENNIE BALLEW!!!!). In fact, since we’re on that subject; WOW is everyone supportive. Jen almost climbed over the desk to hug me this morning when we were chatting and all of my friends – while I am preeety sure they’ve decided I am insane – are ecstatic. That part feels great. And I’m sure as the next few months roll on, and the day draws nearer, I will need all of those hugs and cheers. Because HELLO IT’S NINE WEEKS OF BIKRAM YOGA.. OH MY GOD….

*ahem* But I am really really excited. I really am. I’ve wanted to do this for so long. And it’s weird to finally decide to do it. I mean, we talk about it, right?? I’ve talked about it. I even put it on my “List.” And (yes, THANKS Chantelle) once it’s done, I will have accomplished 2 of the things I have always wanted to do my whole life. Maybe three, I’ll have to check the list.

So, yes, YOGA YOGA YOGA! This is my life, and will be my life now, well… for good. I’m still processing this reality. Give me a few months.

The Challenge is going well. I’m feeling great and writing about it a lot. So check out my other blog when you start missing me, OK??

Love to you all!

Normal

I haven’t been talking much about my raw food experience. Several reasons, really. But mostly because it’s just so.. complex. I find it hard to write about it. Also, it changes daily, which is probably the perfect reason to blog about it. But anyway, I haven’t been saying much. I am going on nine weeks. And the other day I was driving and thinking about it and almost thought I had lost track of how long it had been. I consider losing track a good sign for me. A sign that I am developing acceptance and no longer marking days and weeks, but just living the life. Which is, afterall, my goal.

So, in taking up my new Bikram Challenge, I also took up another challenge. I decided I wanted to do my entire challenge 100% raw. Cuz, I don’t like for anything to be easy. And also, because I felt like it was the perfect time to stop making excuses and let go of that last little bit of cooked food I’ve been clinging to in my diet.

This raw food thing is complex for me. It’s tough, and easy all at the same time. Today we went out to dinner with family. It was odd for me, I haven’t eaten socially much since doing this. And, we ended up at a completely not raw-friendly restaurant. And yet, sitting there, I was at such peace. I ordered my salad, and didn’t worry. My family is still weirded out. They still haven’t let go of trying to “get it..” I dunno, maybe they never will. For me, it doesn’t matter. I told Dave in the car on the way to the restaurant, my diet is not on the table for discussion tonight. He agreed, and it wasn’t..really. But it’s hard for them to not ask a million questions. I admire and respect their curiosity. And I try to be gracious and share when asked. But there are times, many many times, I just want to eat my salad and not be “the weird one.” I know this is not, in fact, the normal way for most people. But I am trying to make it normal, at least for me.

I feel resolute, and much less whiny about my eating than when I started. I struggled so much with cravings. The most recent battle I’ve had is my cravings for bread, wheat, anything with gluten. Probably THE worst thing I could actually eat. And yes, I’ve failed, and I have gotten up and started over.. Respecting the process, of course.

I was laying in final Savasana this morning thinking about what it means to be normal. I think normal is an illusion. It’s like a carrot dangled in front of us. I’ve never really wanted one way or the other to be normal or not. I remain indifferent. But sometimes, when I’m the “raw yoga girl,” being normal seems pretty appealing in a crowd.

But then I remember all those silly things people say about changing the world and making a difference and doing things my own way. Different drummer and all that. And I wonder if we really mean it or if it’s something we say to somehow soothe the insecurity we feel from feeling too normal. I mean, look at me. I sit here with the most amazing life and yet, I want that normal feeling. Crazy, really.

Sixty days ago, I woke up and headed down this path. Sixty days ago. To the day. Two full months. I had no idea then what I would feel like now. Literally a new person inside and out. I’ve shed so much of the old person. It’s like an ongoing metamorphosis. I feel it in fast forward some days. Other days it seems to not be happening at all. But underneath all those little insecurities, when I am desperately searching for a road marker, I feel that peace. That abiding peace that tells me, “this is who I’ve always wanted to be. This is who I am supposed to be.”

And really, I think that’s better than being normal.

True story.

Tomorrow is the first day of my Bikram Challenge. And even though it’s late and I should go to bed so I can get up tomorrow and get on my mat, I am going to write this story. I need to write it. I have to write it. And hopefully this story, this story of my first class, my journey and the yoga that won’t let me go will honor what I am about to do.

I was 19 when I found the Bikram book nestled in a case of books about yoga at the Boulder Bookstore. I bought it because it seemed the easiest to understand. It was concise, to the point, and had lots of pictures. I remember getting back to my apartment and opening it up. I remember devouring that little blue soft cover book about twenty times within the space of a weekend.

I started doing the series on my own. I did the yoga whenever I had time. It became an obsession for me. I never attended a class, not fully recognizing the “world” of Bikram yoga. I just read, and did what I thought I was supposed to. I created my own heat with space heaters, and wore sweats when it was cold. I had no idea what I was doing, really. I had only practiced very basic yoga prior. But something about those immensely challenging 26 postures got inside of me.

Time went by, I married, moved back and forth from Colorado a few times. I still did the yoga. I’d heat up my tiny apartment and work. I got pregnant with my first child and ordered the Rajashree Pregnancy tape. I did the pregnancy series, and it was the first time I had heard Bikram’s voice or seen anyone else do the series (apart from the pictures in the book). Time went by and I continued my practice at home, on and off. I conceived my second child and again retreated to my pregnancy yoga. The yoga was such a part of who I was that I never got far without telling someone I knew about it. Still, I remained fairly in the dark about how big the Bikram world really was.

Around the 8th month of my second pregnancy, my husband, older son, and I were walking through The Woodlands Mall. We passed through a hallway heading to our car and saw a sign on a door that read, “Coming Soon: Bikram Yoga The Woodlands!” Underneath was a phone number. Dave called it immediately. You could say perhaps that’s when the wheels started turning for me.

Not more than a month later, Elijah was born. I had a horrible labor, long and exhausting. I sunk into a deep depression for months after his birth. Sometime around the third month of his life, I got brave and decided it was “time.” Time for me to try this crazy thing. And so I called the studio, got class times, pumped out a bottle of milk for my baby and went to class.

I remember that class. I walked into the room and nearly walked right back out. The heat was overwhelming. But I persevered, setting my mat very near the back of the room and praying for the best. Having knowledge of the series was very helpful for me, and I did relatively well. We had a guest teacher. Her name was Jen Burton, and she was incredibly compassionate. When I left the room that night, I was smiling. I was happier than I had been in months.

I bought a class pass that night, and never looked back.

Here I am two years and four months later. I’ve had many ups and downs with my practice. I have taken breaks, had a surgery, and just plain slacked off. But the yoga has always been there. I’ve always gone back. There’s something profound to me about it. Something I can’t put my finger on. I remember meeting Jen and Arnie. I remember the feeling of the first time I moved my mat to the first row. I remember my first double class. I remember the first time I made it through the entire class without sitting out of anything. I remember all of it. It lives inside of me.

This yoga has saved me. It saved me from depression, it’s saved me from health problems. This yoga has turned my life around. Bikram says, “never too sick, never too old to start from scratch again.. to be born again.” He’s right. Never too anything.

And here I am, heading into my second 60 Day Challenge. Here I am, the girl that wore the pants for over a year. Here I am, discussing Teacher Training. Here I am, still. Still occupying the fourth mat space to the left of the stage day after day after day after day. Here I am blogging about yoga, dreaming big dreams, and not thinking twice.

The yoga is there for me, every single time. I thank God for the amazing circumstances that have aligned in my life. I am home, right where I belong. Bikram Yoga is my passion. And there are days I think back to that cold night in Boulder, when I picked up that little blue book and realize what happened. There’s so much at work in our lives. Sometimes we get jaded, too caught up to see what’s happening. But I never doubt that when we are open to miracles, they really do happen.

Namaste

Launching a new Blog!

Since you all know how much I LOVE to blog (read: ramble) I thought now would be the perfect time to launch my Bikram Blog. Tomorrow Sunday, June 1, I will be starting my second Bikram 60 Day Challenge. In honor of that I am launching 60 in 60. (Click the image below to see it)

This blog will continue on beyond the challenge, of course. But for now, it’s all Challenge, all the time. So stop by for daily updates on my 60 Days and all the nice, lovely details (and even some of the ugly) from the madness of Challenge life.

See you on the mat!

Thankfully Thankful

I wrote a blog on Saturday about how thankful I was for so many great things in my life. Well, last night I sat down to blog and WP was doing maintenance, so I was unable to write. Well maybe that’s a good thing. Because if I thought I was grateful last night, today I feel twice the gratitude. One of my teachers says frequently at the end of yoga class “Remember to be presently present, thankfully thankful. Always grateful for the time you have in this room every day..” Yesterday evening I had one of those classes that left me feeling so good I couldn’t stop smiling. I literally felt like I was floating a few inches off the ground when I left the studio. Cisco says “Let no one steal your peace..” Well, I tell you, I don’t think anyone could have taken feeling from me last night. So, this morning when the alarm went off at coughfoura.m.cough I was incredibly grateful. Grateful just to have the option. Grateful just to be alive, healthy, and able.

I’ve watched many people in my extended family fall ill over the past few years. Several of my in-laws have serious medical conditions that are affecting their lives so deeply that they are beginning to require long term care. While I am only 28, and have a lot of life ahead of me, it does scare me a bit. The thought of aging so un-gracefully – literally falling apart. I have this body, and I’m not going to let that happen. One of Bikram’s senior teachers Emmy Cleaves is the ultimate example of NOT falling apart as you age. Emmy is 81(ish) and could easily kick my ass all over the yoga room with no problem whatsoever. I recently read a tribute to Emmy on the Bikram Yoga website

The teacher trainee commented the following quoting Emmy and going on to describe her amazing teaching style..

“(quoting Emmy Cleaves:) There is a dark, damaging side to most athletics. There is a protective side to Yoga…There is a process to be observed, of course. If you are a beginner and go into a class where the teacher tells you to stand on your head, RUN. First you need to learn to stand on your feet.”

She does do headstands, by the way. In fact, as teacher of the advanced class, she must both examine/ teach her own body as well as the others in the class. “I’m standing on my own head, thinking about my body, how it feels and what I need to do, while I bark out orders to the others in the class.” When asked her about how Yoga affects her daily life, she said, “It’s on par with breathing. Look, it’s like taking a bath, it’s basically hygiene. The days I don’t do Yoga, I can tell, my body can tell.”

In 1973, after more than 20 years of exploring various kinds of Yoga, Emmy went to a demonstration given by a 26 year old Yogi named Bikram Choudhury. ‘I was fascinated by the energy and precision of his demonstration.’ Bikram began reteaching Emmy everything she had learned. ‘We argued, we really argued. I had done Yoga for a long time, none of it the way he demanded it be done…’The posture is not the object,’ he would say, ‘your body is the object.’ I began to get very frustrated. And that heat! I said, ‘Bikram, if you’d turn down the stupid heat, this room would be much more full.’ He said, ‘An empty barn is better than a barn full of naughty cows.’” After visiting India and discovering that many medical research centers there did the postures Bikram’s way, she returned to Beverly Hills and immersed herself in Bikram’s logic of his 26 specifically designed postures, intended to tone the endocrine, lymphatic and digestive systems, increase blood flow, expand the lungs and produce a strong and limber musculoskeletal system. To attain the benefits of this series, the sequence of the postures is paramount, which is why Emmy defends Bikram’s controversial decision to copyright his method. ‘If you take the formula for penicillin and leave out one of the ingredients, you no longer have penicillin.’

As for her inimitable teaching style? “I believe in giving physiological instruction in the class as well as physical instruction. It helps the body learn. Bikram and I argue constantly about my style. He wants me to teach more like him. He yells at me, I yell at him. But Bikram himself used to give a lot of that information and it is important… I never do advance planning. The bodies give me the information I need to teach the class; I simply react to what I see. This occurs on both a physical and a mental level; each class has its own physical and spiritual energy. I teach to what I see. Sometimes people come up to me afterwards and ask, ‘How did you know I needed to hear that?’ The bodies tell me.””

While I can only hope to age as gracefully and beautifully as Emmy, what I can do is more than hope for more Bikram Yoga. I can get up every day and practice. I can choose to go to class instead of sleeping late. I can choose to choose to do it. I was reminded this weekend that yoga is truly one of the incredible disciplines I have taken up. Apart from my personal spiritual devotion, never before in my life have I spent so much time doing one thing every single day.. I am so incredibly thankful for it. And not just on the “high” days or the days I have a great class. Even when it’s a struggle, I am grateful.

I am grateful to share this yoga with others. I am grateful when I hear that Matt tried Bikram Yoga for the first time yesterday. And I am incredibly grateful when he says he wants to go back. I am grateful that my back doesn’t hurt, my ankle has healed, my knees are strong, and I can DO floor bow. I am grateful that I was able to do the 60 and I was able to finish it. I am grateful to my husband for never letting me give up and never giving up on me. I am grateful that my children will know a mom who does yoga, and is healthy, and hopefully want to do it themselves.

One day I’d love to learn from Emmy. I’d love to fall to my mat heaving for breath because I’ve been schooled in balancing stick by the master. For now, I continue on down my path of health and happiness. I am humbled and amazed. I am present and thankful.

Namaste

About my Yoga practice.. Bikram Yoga..

Well since it’s been asked several times, I’ll just write a short little blog..

I practice Bikram Yoga. I found Bikram yoga by accident really. I picked up the “Bikram Bible” about eight years ago in a little bookstore in Boulder Colorado. I proceeded to practice at home with my own “heat” for years. It wasn’t until about two years ago that I took my first “hot” Bikram class. I am fortunate to live so close to BYTW – Bikram Yoga The Woodlands. BYTW is a fabulous studio with amazing teachers and world class Bikram facilities.

Bikram yoga is a series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises performed in a room heated to approximately 104-106 degrees with humidity ranging from 40-60 percent. The heat serves three purposes. It helps to detoxify the body and its systems, it relaxes the muscles to prevent injury, and it assists in an excellent cardiovascular workout. Each class follows the exact same dialog. Bikram yoga teachers all attend the same training course and must stay certified with Bikram.

There is much controversy about Bikram “franchising” his yoga series. He has placed a copyright on his sequence and has in the past prosecuted teachers for teaching “his” sequence without using his name or the trademarked “Bikram’s Yoga College of India” insignia. There are many other “hot yoga” brands out there, but only Bikram is Bikram.

Bikram yoga is appropriate for anyone, any age, any situation. Bikram says, “You’re never too old, never too sick, it’s never too late to start again, to be born again..” I have been doing this yoga on and off for many years and have really devoted myself to Bikram over the past two years. I am fortunate to have access to one of the premier Bikram studios in the world. My teachers have become like family to be. BYTW is my second home and I have always felt comfortable and loved. The support, encouragement, and respect that emanates from the staff and students at BYTW is second to none.

Many of you have read my other blogs about my “Bikram Challenges.” Bikram believes you give yourself over to his practice for 60 days and you will heal your body, renew your mind, and change your life. I have completed on 30 day challenge and one 60 day challenge in the past seven months. Basically you take 60 (or 30) Bikram classes within 60 (or 30) days. The beauty of the challenge is that it’s simple. You go back, day after day. It changes your whole life. I can attest not only to the physical changes, but the emotional changes as well. Bikram yoga has changed my life. It has brought me back into balance as a whole person, as a mother, and a wife.

I typically practice five days a week. You can do Bikram every day for the rest of your life. It’s that amazing. Getting on the mat is the first step. Everyone has a “first class” and I won’t lie to you, it’s hard. 90 minutes of sweating, stretching, and work. Bikram says “I don’t sell cheesecake.” This is not “stare at your navel” yoga. It’s work, and it works.

So, put some shorts on, grab some towels, get some water, and get in the room. Oh and please come back and tell me how much YOUR life has been changed..

Namaste

K

60 in 60

Well, technically I did 60 in 50, but who’s counting? Right??

It’s a little weird and intimidating to finally FINALLY be writing “this” blog. On Thursday December 20, I completed my 60th Bikram Yoga class since November 1st (the day I started the challenge). In honor of my challenge and fellow yogis, I have decided to keep going until the official 60 days is over. Just to see how many classes I actually do in 60 days. The whole thing will end with a New Year’s party at BYTW.It’s been an amazing journey and people around me have noticed the change in me. Both physically and emotionally I am a different person. It’s wonderful to think back to the way I felt Nov 1 and realize how far I have come. I started this challenge amidst a lot of personal struggle and frustration. In fact, my stress level was the REASON I went back to that little orange room. I went back totally not intending to join in on the challenge. I even tried to find ways to talk myself out of it. But my heart and my body didn’t agree with my brain. Somewhere around the fourth or so consecutive day of yoga, I finally put my name up on the challenge board and started tracking my progress.

Something interesting happens when you “commit” to doing what is difficult. There are automatically two camps of thought that surround you. On one side, you have people who say, “go for it! you can do it!!” On the other hand, you always have those that are skeptical, worried, and doubt that it’s the right decision. I had friends and family that were very skeptical of this 60 in 60 thing.. WHAT?? You are doing that now?? Yes, why not.. Now is now, and who knows what can happen tomorrow. Right now, I am going to make a healthy change in my life. So I trudged forward. Working and working and sweating and sweating and sweating some more. And about ten or so classes in, I started to believe that I was going to do it.. I was going to finish and accomplish this crazy challenge.. Of course, nobody at BYTW doubted me. None of my teachers or fellow students on the challenge doubted it. We were ALL in it together.. We still are. Even though a few of us have completed the challenge.. There we are, on our mats, silently supporting one another.. Impossible is nothing, right??

“What people say you cannot do, you try, and find that you can..” Henry David Thoreau

I’ve never been one for self doubt and I’ve always been incredibly stubborn. In fact, I believe it’s one of my more endearing qualities. Well, a little bit of stubborn can go a long way when you are telling yourself to do 90 minutes of hot yoga every day for two months. I can’t pretend that every class was amazing. I can’t say that I loved every minute of every class. I certainly did NOT. In fact, I went through every imaginable emotion on my mat in those 60 classes. I had good days, bad days. strong days, weak days, hot days, cold days. sad days, happy days.. you get the idea.. all of it.. It all comes out on the mat. I can recall the day the got the humidity working again and I once again, thought the class was hard. I remember the first double I did and wanted to cry. I remember the sore knees and the sore back. But what I remember most is how good it feels to get through the class. You can’t get that feeling without doing it. And maybe that’s the secret, we’re all addicted to the “afterglow” of the class. Or maybe it’s just me..

So what do I do now?? Everyone asks me this.. Are you going to take a break Karen? No, not really. Maybe a day off here and there. But I am definitely still in it for the long haul. My body is doing things I never thought it could do. My headaches are gone, my knees don’t ache. My stress is down, I have more patience.. My spine feels like it’s brand new.. Oh, and well, my jeans look a lot better.. But that’s not the important thing.. The important thing is what has happened to me on the inside. Sure, you look great. Your tummy is flatter, your waistline smaller. And those benefits are great, really great. But it’s the inner change that I am most happy about. The calm and peace in my mind. The knowledge that I CAN do it, and I CAN work that hard. The determination to persevere when things are hard. Finding comfort in the uncomfortable. Being presently present, thankfully thankful.. That’s the real gold..

Namaste.