Re-birth

I haven’t been writing here much.  Mostly because I’ve been writing so much on my yoga blog.  And truly, the Challenge has been taking up a lot of my energy.  Both in the area of blogging and just overall.  But I felt like I should take a little time to write something that had little to do with sweating, or postures, or dialog, or Bikram.  Just something from me.

I had a conversation yesterday with a dear, old friend whom I had lost contact with.  It was lovely to speak to him again.  He and I went to high school, church, evertything together.  Kind of like a brother to me, really.  But as life goes, our ways parted for a long time.  But what has been interesting as I speak with him is how eerily similar our lives have been.  All these years gone by and we’ve had very similar life experiences.  We spoke about Faith, growing up in stringent religion.  We discussed our disillusionment with the status quo and how we both had to reach a real crisis before we could come back around to what we believed and who we really were.

We spoke very frankly with one another and I appreciated his candor.  I sometimes feel nervous to talk to people from my past, afraid of what they’ll think of what my life is now.  This is not to say I am in any way ashamed of who I am or the life I lead.  But there’s a shift in reality when the past Karen and the present Karen somehow merge in one interaction.  I often avoid these interactions, dreading the awkwardness that will ensue.  But speaking with Nic is the exact opposite of awkward and there’s a mutual understanding and respect between us that makes me thankful to have him back in my life.

Perhaps the most amazing thing drawn from our conversation was this idea of Re-birth.  I believe Nic and I have both experienced a veritable re-birth.  On many levels we have both shed a shell of a former identity, and emerged a new person.  Nic and I spoke about tolerance, compassion, and love – and the stark contrast between the way we identified with those things ten years ago and the way we do today.  We both agreed that “hitting bottom” spiritually is sometimes the very best thing that can happen.  But the real triumph is getting back up and being strong enough to find your way again.

I’ve never really understood fully why we have to go through these struggles to find truth.  But I know for sure that without shedding, dying, and re-birth – life gets incredibly stale.  We are constantly re-examining the Whos, Whens, and Whys of our life.  Isn’t that the point??  My dear, sweet friend Sean wrote a while ago,

Life isn’t just a cycle. It’s like a long run of parallel narratives, stories we keep telling with our days and our actions and our relationships, our diets, our brilliant plans, our mistakes, and even our successes. We never stop trying to live what we will be, what we want to be, nor do we stop living what we were, what we always have been.

So maybe in all of this there is a parallel truth. That we can become new and fresh. But we always carry the person we are and have been and will be. They’re all the same person. Even when the old one dies off and the new one is born. So, as Nic found me and we re-connected, we found that we were totally different people. Different and exactly the same. Maybe it’s the constant change that makes us identical. We both changed. Neither of us stayed the same. So in that, we were alike.

But at the end of the day, it’s comforting to have a friend like that. It’s comforting to know that we aren’t alone in our change. Change can feel isolating and scary. But having someone to lean on, to talk to, and who will listen is irreplaceable. And as the cycles of our lives, the births and deaths of self come and go, we can find common ground and know that regardless of the past and present we are ever connected and always the same.

I’ve never been one to mince my words… So here goes..

Before you read this, you need to know two things. First of all this post mixes religion and the issue of abortion. Secondly, this post has about a 50% chance of pissing you off..

You have been warned.

OK I should preface this whole thing by saying a bit about how I came to believe that I should even attempt to blog about this. I was raised in a seriously conservative home. My mind was made up for me about everything. Basically I didn’t honestly have a mind of my own until I was about 16.. No lie. So without explaining to you every single painstaking detail of my intricate religious background I bet you can surmise that I was raised to believe that God hated abortion, abortion is wrong, and even.. even that abortion will get you a front row seat on the first bus straight to Hell. Yep, that’s it in a nutshell.

Fast forward through my young adult life.. Passing over my wedding day and landing somewhere in January of 2003. That’s the month I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Now maybe I was shallow, or maybe just like everyone else. But I had rarely, prior to that day, really given much thought to the abortion issue. I had never extended my thought beyond, “it’s wrong.”

But something happened to me when I became a mother. And I have heard tell of women who prior to conceiving would never have given second thought to labeling themselves “pro choice.” I have heard of that, and I get that. I do. But for me, I had the opposite reaction.

Here’s where people start clicking out and getting angry..

I don’t believe in labeling myself, really. I think labels are often times a cover, or a button we wear when we are too lazy to develop our own thoughts, opinions, and ideals. Labels offer safe haven in conflict and allow the wearer to disappear behind thoughts and actions that they themselves do not necessarily have to take responsibility for. So, I never have put on the label “pro choice.” Because for me, it’s just not that simple.

So on that January day, or sometime around then, I realized something very important. Carrying a child, conceiving a child is a Holy responsibility. I believe it’s a miracle. I believe it’s beautiful. I believe it’s sacred. I believe every child has a right to live. But.. I believe outside of those beliefs, there is an outer ring of fundamental truths that I cannot sweep away in order to join the other side of this debate so that I can wear the label “pro life.” I also realized that day that what I had long believed about God’s opinion of abortion was just no longer true for me.

What it’s taken me 28 years to admit, and about 400 words to finally say here is that I believe that God is pro choice. Yes, that’s right, I said it. God is Pro-Choice. Now before you start throwing sharp objects at your monitors, allow me to explain.. Please?

Remember way back when in the Garden? Remember how God allowed Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge? Remember how He commanded them NOT to eat from it, warning them. And remember that He never stopped them? Remember that? That was choice. God allows us choices. He always has. He always will. Everyday we make choices about what’s right and wrong, and we never think twice.

While I certainly don’t have the time here to explain the extent of my thoughts on the Character and Nature of God, I feel fairly certain that He is Loving, Kind, and Forgiving. I also feel fairly certain that God would be saddened to see a woman in the disaster of making a decision about abortion. But the problem comes when we assume that somehow by outlawing something, or making it “wrong”, or removing the option – that we are somehow fixing a moral issue.

I believe that abortion is a moral issue. I believe it’s a choice, and an issue that we must deal with according to our own moral compass. In addition, I believe that a government cannot dictate morality to anyone. I believe that the government has no right to tell a woman what she can or can NOT do with her body. Each of us, alone, individually is accountable for the decisions we make. I do believe that we are responsible for the way we live our lives, and that choosing life is important. I would never applaud abortion as a “good choice.” I would never suggest it to a woman in a crisis. BUT I cannot rationalize removing her right to choice, her God-given right, because I believe she alone can do that.

I don’t have the solution to this issue. I don’t have the answers. I wish it were simpler. I wish that women were never placed in the situation to even feel like they had to make the decision to abort. I wish that the morality of the whole of the world was pure. But that’s not the world we live in. And so, I take my place right in the middle, wandering about on this issue. But ultimately hoping that there could be light on both sides of the argument. Hoping that somehow we can one day find an answer.

In case you missed this one..

Powerful interview..

No Bad News.

Life has been moving at an incredible pace lately. There are many many days I don’t even have time to stop and think about what day it is or what month.. I attribute much of this to just being a mother of two small children. Time flies, life goes by so fast. My boys are growing up. They’re literally changing right in front of me. Sometimes it makes me sad, but most days it just makes me proud. I am proud of my life, proud of my kids, proud of what’s becoming of us.

I don’t have many complaints lately. I think that’s a good thing, a sign that either I am learning to be more tolerant or my life just really is that good. Either way, it’s a good thing.

I was reading back over old blogs and I realized I hadn’t made a “Thankful” list in a while. So, for posterity, here goes.

I am thankful that I am healthy.
I am thankful for delicious, whole, raw food.
I am thankful for yoga.
I am thankful for my studio, the teachers, and the classes.
I am thankful for this incredible body that is changing everyday.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for my kitchen (even the fruit flies).
I am thankful for people far away even though I miss them desperately.
I am thankful for heartache that teaches me to be stronger.
I am thankful for the ability to take care of my family.
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for Dave.
I am thankful for music, songs, signing, playing, and making noise..
I am thankful that Spring has arrived.
I am thankful that it’s going to be warm enough to swim really soon.
I am thankful that I can be strong even when I have no idea where the strength comes from.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for God.
I am thankful for this journey.

I had the best time today catching up with a close friend. We sat and chatted, and it was wonderful. I treasure times like this because they are rare. But Leigh Anne is the kind of friend that no matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t matter. It was fun to sit and laugh. It really reminded me of why we’re friends, why we’re close. She’s one of the strongest women I know. I admire her so much, and I look forward to the day we can have more time together. Leigh Anne has been a friend for a long time. She was around when I got started as a mother, she was there for the birth of my second child, and our kids have been friends for what seems like forever. I love her so much. And I hope she reads this and knows it.

Not that you asked, but yoga is going well. I’ve been practicing very regularly and loving it. I’m feeling very at peace about my progress and practice. It’s never been my goal to coast along, but it is nice to feel a little more settled. I am progressing, and I feel great.

Today is the beginning of Passover. We have been invited to a Seder tomorrow evening. This will be my first time to attend a Seder and I am totally excited. I’ll keep you posted.

And since this is one of those rambly blog posts, I will leave you with this little video. It’s a trailer for a movie I can’t wait to see called Enlighten Up!. Enjoy!

40 days

Sometimes I struggle to write openly about my spirituality. Especially here on my blog. I have come to find that the more intimate my own beliefs are, the harder they are to verbalize. Often I keep them to myself or write them privately. I choose not to use my blogging platform as a place to shout about God or prosthelatize my own beliefs onto my readers. Even now, as Lent comes to a close, and I approach what many many Christians observe as the Holiest of holidays, Easter; I find it difficult to slip easily into a narrative about how I am feeling and what I am experiencing.

I was walking through the store this morning. I noticed in the particular store I shop in the enormous quantity of “Easter” paraphernalia. Candy, plastic eggs, baskets, toys, stuffed bunnies, animatronic dancing carrots (no lie).. An entire double sided aisle of the store was devoted to these things. Absent among them would be the things that I associate with Easter. Of course, I doubt that the symbols I think of when I reflect on this holiday would be attractive if molded into milk chocolate and wrapped in foil. I find myself disgusted with the spectacle that this time of year becomes. There are bunnies parading around the mall and food coloring-dyed chicks on display at the local pet stores. You can get your photo taken at the local designer studio with real live bunnies! Oh don’t forget the endless egg hunting available to your children. There are cross raisings at local churches and “end of Lent” feasts if you would rather stay in the the flock. Of course, there is a quieter side to this holiday. This is the side that I prefer. There is a ritual and a quiet penitence. There is a realization of the truest meaning of Easter. On this side, in the shade of the huge Easter pageant, there are no plastic eggs. There are no milk chocolate bunnies or candied corn. There is only me and God. And this is where I find myself today, the place I have been since the beginning of Lent. Quietly observing and listening and hoping.

Lent, as it turns out is about preparation. Preparing your heart and your mind (and I believe your body) to receive the greatest gift. This gift is the point of Easter, the point of Lent, the point of Good Friday, Palm Sunday, all of it. Christ, risen – alive. But without this preparation, without Lent – it’s a little like going to meet the queen without taking a shower. I didn’t say much about Lent here on my blog. Mainly because this is the first year I have truly observed Lent, for myself. Quietly, I have spent this time trying to understand it. I have always heard the word, and felt I should harbor some reverence for it. Lent.. Lent.. It just sounds so.. religious. But what I have found is that Lent is not at all religious, it’s not at all boring, and it’s not at all what I expected.

My good friend Angelique has been sharing a great deal with me about her Lenten experience. I find her journey fascinating. Many times we have chatted, often times late at night, about how similar our journeys seem to be. We have both tried to put into words what actually is happening, and we both have failed to do so. While Angelique and I share different faiths, we do share this singular idea. We share the hope that somehow, through the past forty days of Lent, we will emerge different women.. And ultimately prepared.

So today is Good Friday. Sunday is Easter. To some, it means nothing. It’s just labels we put on days and words we hear at church. For others, it’s a yearly carnival of things we don’t really understand. This year, for me, Easter will be a quiet passage. I will choose this year to observe Easter the way I believe it is meant to be celebrated. I am ready. I think. I have worked hard to be ready. I am ready to be thankful, ready to be repentant. I am ready to fully realize the sacrifice made for me. I am ready to worship, pray, and enjoy the miracle of the Resurrected Christ. I am ready to spend this Easter truly being hopeful. Truly understanding and truly whole.

One Conversation

I stole this idea shamelessly from Shellee. I think it’s beautiful.

I want to find the strength to really be the person I am made to be.
I want to learn how to be more patient.
I want to understand more about You and why You love me.
I want to be fully healthy and whole.
I want to be a yoga teacher.
I want to give everything I can to ending the suffering around me.
I want to share more of Your Love.

I want..

I hate that I am constantly reaching my limits.
I hate that I get so angry so easily.
I hate that I cannot write music the way I would like to.
I hate that I don’t have enough time in the day to do all the things I would like to do.
I hate the times that I walk away from my husband angry.
I hate that I can’t imagine a day when I won’t have to struggle for peace.
I hate that I can’t end the illness in my family.
I hate that I have passed on bad habits to my children and I don’t yet know how to change them.
I hate that I have addictions (even the small ones) that keep me distant from God.
I hate to be late, I hate to be tired, I hate to be hungry..

I hate…

I need to believe that my life will make sense.
I need to love as deeply as possible.
I need to have time to myself.
I need space to breathe.
I need to pay my bills, and care for my family.
I need to read,write, sing, pray, work, and move..
I need yoga.
I need to sweat.
I need to travel.
I need to understand more about Your plan for me.
I need to learn more music.
I need sex, passion, and intimacy..
I need late nights and early mornings.
I need dinners with friends and Sunday morning bagels.

I need…

I fear that I will never be as great of a mother that people think that I am.
I fear my children will resent the things I ask of them.
I fear losing control.
I fear never understanding why things happen.
I fear losing my husband.
I fear losing my children.
I fear losing my home, our jobs, and all that we have..
I fear loss.
I fear becoming just like the person I resent.
I fear that some days my anger will get out of control.
I fear losing out on Your love.
I fear that I have said too much, been too honest, and tried too hard.
I fear death.

I fear…

I love my life.
I love my family.
I love that I can do things with my body that people cannot believe.
I love that I have found something that makes me feel new..
I love yoga.
I love music, writing, singing, sex, dancing, food, and fresh air.
I love being in bed with nothing to do but talk to Dave.
I love movies, books, and time alone.
I love driving.
I love that I have been to so many places.
I love the strength I see in my friends.
I love that no matter how hard things get, I have so many people around me that will pick me up and encourage me.
I love community.
I love babies.
I love chocolate.
I love going to sleep after a hot shower.
I love that one day everything will make sense.
I love that my future is secure.
I love God.
I love knowing that Dave loves me.
I love Dave.
I love that my husband is finally realizing his dream by going to school.
I love kisses from my kids…

I love…

Another beautiful thankful Saturday.

I dunno what’s up with me, but these Saturdays are just too much. So beautiful out today. The sun is out, the sky is blue. My windows are open. Good music on the iTunes and a nice quiet house. My kids are napping and all is well. I think I am going to make these thankful posts a regular Saturday thing. Seems to be doing me well to sit down and think these things through. I had an amazing class this morning. My classes are getting better and better. I am feeling so good, so alive. This must be the “new life” Bikram promised me when I did that crazy 60 Day Challenge. It’s really taking root in me lately. And adding these verbalizations of my gratitude is certainly not hurting.

Yoga, for me is about body and mind. You work, push, struggle, balance, hold, and breathe. Physically, it’s very demanding. In those 90 minutes you use every part of your body. Your spine bends, your organs are compressed, your muscles stretched, your whole frame is worked from the top of your head to your toes. But what gets me is the connection between the physical and the brain. Because ultimately, it’s the synthesis of the two that has the most profound impact on your life. For instance, my latest obsession Standing Bow Pose Dandayamana-Dhanurasana. I LOVE this pose. LOVE it. It makes me feel like a graceful angel. But it also humbles me. The most interesting part of this for me is that it requires not only all of my physical strength, but also an incredible amount of focus and determination. It calls into play your whole brain. You must lock your knee, hold your arm locked, kick up, kick back, bend forward, arch your upper body back, and all the while, balance.. One one leg.. Let’s not forget the balance part. Ironically for me, I don’t really think the balance is what throws me off. For me, it’s the determination to keep kicking, keep reaching, and not give up. It’s fun to challenge myself and pay attention to the little changes and advances I make day to day on my mat. I am grateful for it.

Today I am grateful for so many things. Many of the same things I was thankful for last Saturday. But since I believe it’s good to keep saying it, what’s wrong with another list??

I am thankful for the sunshine.
I am thankful for my home.
I am thankful for yoga, and the chance to go daily.
I am thankful for the chance I have to share Bikram yoga with those I care about.
I am thankful that I am getting stronger and healthier every day, instead of going the opposite direction.
I am thankful for Dandayamana Dhanurasana.
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful that I get to go out with friends tonight and have dinner and wine.
I am thankful that I still have one more day in this weekend.
I am thankful that I get to see my mom on Monday.
I am thankful for forgiveness and love.
I am thankful for my piano and the enjoyment it brings me to play it.
I am thankful that my kids never get tired of loving me.
I am thankful for the birthday I have coming up.
I am thankful for tax returns.
I am thankful for my car.
I am thankful for my new CD’s.
I am thankful for the network of friends I have built up online.
I am thankful that the day is new every morning.
I am thankful for a loving merciful God.
I am thankful that I can pray anytime day or night and it comforts me.
I am thankful for my bed.
I am thankful for the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, I make a new list every week.

So I am off to take a nap. Namaste.

Bittersweet… Symphony.

Great song, so great.. and the song on my iTunes at the moment.. so it becomes the title of this blog.

I have had some challenging religious conversations today. And basically I feel a little confused and exhausted. But what I am left with is a simple reflection.. I am not responsible for changing the way others view God. I am responsible for sharing what I know of God and sharing his love. But ultimately, I am not responsible for changing someone’s beliefs. It’s hard to swallow, having been raised in such stuffy churches.. Where you weren’t right if you weren’t Baptist. Of course, I had no idea then what I would come to believe. Probably good because nowadays I see little of who I used to be. In a good way. I have mentioned before the so-called spiritual crisis I often feel that I am experiencing. I am not afraid of it, or worried. I am simply experiencing. Experiencing the thrill of taking it all in again fresh. Learning who God is, what Jesus was all about – from scratch. It’s amazing, like eyes of a child (if only) and frightening all at the same time. Some days I feel a little bit like I am floating in a huge ocean of religion on a tiny life raft of my own spirituality. Other days I feel like I am firmly rooted into the earth, with my roots shooting deep. While I don’t know the difference yet, or what happens to make the two happen separately, I can appreciate the differences.. Observance is my closest friend lately. Observance, silence, stillness, and reverence. I am trying to be completely thankful, completely open, completely believing, completely receptive. But the focus has narrowed. The flesh and bones of my faith is not the huge doctrinal statement, the one that I tried desperately to cling to as a teen, but a simpler handwritten letter from God himself. “I love you, I made you, I want you to be near me.. Share me with other and love deeply..” It’s not long, wordy, or complicated. It’s simple, and bittersweet. It makes me frustrated some days, wishing He’d write more. Other days it comforts me, the simplicity of the command. Even still, some days it reads like a beautiful song.. And I share in the chorus.. The most beautiful and touching part of the letter is that it invites a personal touch, a personal relationship. God is reachable, touchable, and real. He’s here, with me, always.. And that is all the comfort I need..

Healing

It’s 9:30 and I am so not sleepy. Which is kinda strange since I woke up at the lovely hour of 4 am.. OK it was 4:18, but close enough, OK? Details, details… I’m sitting here floating. Listening to music, chatting, the calm of my house is a stark contrast to the day that just ended. Earlier I couldn’t keep my eyes open, now I am more awake than ever. So, what better time to blog eh?

It’s no secret that I am glad the Holidays are over. In more ways that one it was a painful one for me. Coping with personal grief, stress, and the unknowns took their toll. I’ve been reflecting on it for a while, wondering what it was that got me through it. I could try to say it was this or that, but it was yoga. Plain and simple, the yoga. When I went back to class Nov 1, I was battling heavy duty depression. Things were very stressful at home, my relationship with my mom was in the beginning stages of falling apart, and I was losing my grip on my emotions. I went back because I was so unhappy, not only with my body, but with my spirit. I write a lot on here about how yoga has changed my body. Made me stronger, made me feel better. But tonight, I have to talk more about my spirit, my heart. And not the muscle, but the heart that aches, jumps for joy, and breaks with love for my family. When I went back on Nov 1, I had no idea that I was going to enter a season of such intense change. I had no idea the immense storms that lay ahead for me. I didn’t know the YWAM shootings would happen. I didn’t know the situation with my mom would worsen. All I knew was that I was miserable, depressed, and on the edge of my own cliff. I went back to that hot little orange room wanting one thing, peace. A break from the running, the noise, the stress. But what I found was far greater. And now I am here. No short journey to be sure. But as I reflect back on the two plus months I have spent giving myself over to my practice, I am humbled by the grace I have been afforded.

I wrote before that “God Loves Yoga.” Well, I believe that God used yoga to begin a healing in my life. I have always believed God can use anything to bring us closer to Him. I don’t typically blog a lot about my faith, because I believe faith is SO personal, so intimate, it’s hard to talk about for me. In addition, I believe my faith is a work in progress. And it’s not too long after I write something about what I believe that it changes, or shifts.. And I again, get caught… But tonight I will talk about my faith, because it’s foundational to my process, my journey. Without the faith I have, I would have given up a LONG time ago. I would have jumped ship. But God won’t let go of me. Even when I ignore what he says to do, he never lets go. I can’t imagine my life separate from that grace. And it’s that very grace that found me back at class a few months ago..

If I believe that God never lets go, I have to believe that God loves me enough to even grab hold in the first place. I have to understand that kind of love. And I have to find a way to change the way I view my self worth. Because if the God of the universe loves me enough to hold on to me, that means I’m worth something? yeah? I think so. So for me, to recognize this once again, fresh from scratch.. That’s HUGE. It’s the song we sing as a little kid. “Jesus Loves Me, this I know..” HELLO, huge spiritual revelation of the week. The most simplistic form of faith- the core of my belief is this. Jesus (God) loves me so much, he never lets go.. That simple thing brings me healing. So pure and real.

I’m looking forward to seeing more things come to me in this process. More change more healing. More revelation of who I am. Because I really do believe the journey is never over..

God Loves Yoga

I have been asked so many times.. In so many different ways.. How does God feel about yoga? Should Christians be doing yoga?? This is a heavy question for a number of reasons. One because I can’t possible ever assume to say how God feels about yoga and two because I still feel a little ignorant about the whole Christianity/Yoga/Spirituality mishmash.. Soo… I typically say something along these lines.. The God that I know probably doesn’t mind the kind of yoga that I do. I think most of the things we do in life are driven by two things, intention and passion. If your intentions are in the right place, and your passions aligned with your own moral code, I think you are on the right path.. Yoga is a tradition that is older than anyone on the earth.. I dunno “how old” it is.. But it’s old.. The traditions of Yoga are steeped in many different Spiritual paths that tend to veer far from Christianity. I’ll say here that I can’t even begin to understand them or grasp the depths of all of the Yogic philosophies or practices, but I DO respect them. In the same way that I respect how devout a Buddhist or Hindu might practice their faith. I believe it’s possible to respect something without absorbing into your own life. I also believe that there are good things to be found in all Faiths, and there’s nothing wrong with learning from other religions.

So, that takes me back to the question.. Would Jesus approve of my yoga practice? Simply, yes, I do think he would. I am not particularly fond of the assumption that because it is yoga that it is also “wacky” or “Hindu” or “New Age.” In particular, the type of yoga that I practice, Bikram yoga, while certainly rooted in traditional Hatha Yoga philosophies is not overtly “Spiritual” in practice.. MY take on Bikram is that it’s a hot sweaty yoga class and that’s about it. We do not chant or pray.. We do not say “om” or quote anything from the Baghvad Gita.. We just work, and sweat, and work some more..

People say “Yoga belongs to the Earth..” It has also been said that Yoga is everywhere and in everyone. My personal yoga practice has taken me to some interesting places Spiritually and emotionally.. But all of them have been through the filter of my faith in Christ.. I think there’s a lot to be learned on the mat. I think there’s a lot to be learned from working hard, and doing things that scare you. I think you can achieve these results in many different ways. Athletes describe the same feeling all the time. Singers, musicians, performers, dancers, many find their “Holy Experiences” in what they do.. For me, I often find it on my mat..

It has been said that it takes 30 days to form a new habit. Well, I’ve been at this Bikram Challenge thing for 46 days.. I have done 55 classes. I have spent over 80 hours in the little hot orange room.. For many, that could be seen as a practice of devotion.. Spending so much of my time on the yoga, almost like a Spiritual experience. Well, it is.. The difference for me, is that my focus is on God.

A friend asked me recently “Do you feel like you are replacing God with Yoga?” I do not, for several reasons.. And while I am sure most of them do not make sense to others, the answer is still no.. My response was that I feel closer to God than I have in a very long time. Spending an hour and a half on a little foam mat every day – working through your fears, weaknesses, and imbalances can draw you nearer to any higher power you may call upon.. Especially when it’s 105 degrees in the room. I don’t have a good answer for HOW this works, I only know that it does. The past seven weeks have shown me more of myself that I have ever seen. More of my soul. When I go into that room, I manifest gratitude. It is after all God, who has provided the way for me to do this. It is God who created my body, and God who gives me the will and determination to go on. It is God who reminds me of His infinite love. And it is ultimately God that I thank for the positive results that I receive from my practice.

So, as I keep on this road, near the end of my challenge.. I don’t thank Shiva or anyone else. I thank God. I think he’d like that hot little room where I am often driven to tears of gratitude.. I think he’d like that I find so much peace in the heat, so much solace in the sweat. I think he would not be one bit worried about me.. In fact, I think he’d like it.. And he’d probably be pretty good at it besides.. Because God is not threatened by our journeys. I don’t think God is sitting around with a marker, X’ing off the “do’s and don’ts” of Christianity. I don’t think he hates Yoga. I believe that the pure in Heart see God. And I think there’s nothing wrong with a little hard work.

Namaste.