I can do anything.

I can do anything. I can.

I don’t say this flippantly. In fact, it’s probably taken me the entirety of my 29 years of life to get up the courage to say it. I can DO ANYTHING.

I believe every day we wake up, eat, shower, dress, move through our domestic rituals, and never even think twice about it. We don’t often stop to give pause to the fantastic opportunities that life wants to hand us. Of course, it’s not in our nature. And really is it even sensible? Waking up and walking around wanting to grab hold of life with all of our fervor, it’s not exactly practical. Or is it?

I’m in the middle of a little wrestling match between my brain, my heart, my body, and all of my stubborn will. It’s messy, it’s frustrating, and it’s exhilarating. It started about a week ago. I was thinking (meditating?) and watching the rain fall. I remember having this tiny thought, that eventually turned into a bigger thought, which then proceeded to occupy my thoughts for the next six or seven days. It’s inconsequential to discuss the thought, really. Doesn’t matter, it is what it is, right? Thoughts are just thoughts. The come and go, rise and fall. Even the power of this tiny thought, that is now all-encompassing is tiny to me. I can rise above it. I can let it go, breathe it out. I can forget it, push it away. I could try, and I have tried. But it’s not working. That tiny monster is here to stay. And it just won’t let me go.

I can do anything..

That was what entered my brain last week as I sat on my couch, staring out at the rain. I have heard it before. Certainly, I have said it before. I said it during my last Bikram Challenge. Over and over, I said it. I have probably written it, blogged it, screamed it from the bottom of my soul. But I rarely give it much thought. It’s like one of those things you just say. The equivalent of answering “fine” when someone asks, “how are you?”

But I can’t say this phrase with that kind of passive thought anymore. Because now, this tiny thing, these four words, mean something to me. Now before this entry turns into some strange motivational message (God help me) I should say this. I believe self-affirmation is important. I believe we have to believe in ourselves before anyone else will. I also believe that we are the only ones who believe our own excuses. But these words are more than a motivational message for me.

They seem, instead, like a responsibility A command. An order.

Marrianne Wiliamson said in her book A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others

I love this quote, always have. It gives me hope, and inspires me. But it’s challenging. It leaves me no excuses. No choice. It’s like standing there on my mat, kicking my leg up into Standing Bow, no choice. I could fall, I could fail, or I could do it. I can do anything right??

It’s a massive responsibility to bear this revelation. It’s immense, and deep. And really, if we truly embrace it, it is isolating. My teacher said today, quoting Bikram, “we spend our entire lives learning how to kick the world’s ass. In this room, on our mats, we learn how to kick our own..” How very true. Every day I am learning how to kick my own ass, work myself out, no choice… It’s the opposite of what we are told. And in many ways, it feels incongruous with “Yoga” to say it. But if I can do anything, why would I settle?

I’m in the middle of several difficult journeys. My world is changing so much. I am shedding huge portions of a person I decided I no longer wanted to be. I am running headlong towards a dream that I refuse to take my eyes off of. I am raising my kids, with as much passion as I can muster. I am healing, growing, and changing. Sometimes I say, as I meditate, “this is who I have always wanted to be. This is the person I am supposed to be.. This is who I really am..” And it’s true. I look at my life now and I see more truth than I have ever seen. I recognize a drive, a stubbornness that is getting me through difficult family issues. I am standing firm and choosing to be unwavering in relationships. I am in love, I am happy and whole. I am healthier than I have ever been in my adult life. I have everything I could ever want. And I believe that this kind of joy comes with immense responsibility. “To him who much is given, much is required...”

I said before that I believe that we are the only ones who believe our own excuses. This has been a hard lesson for me. And really, I think it’s so true. The lies we tell ourselves only serve to destroy our spirit. We can only be responsible for the choices we make ourselves. But really, isn’t that enough? I am trying, desperately to be responsible, accountable. But it’s a burden to bear. Accountability demands character, and honesty. But again, no choice..

So I carry this with me, I carry this knowledge, this phrase. I carry it in and out of my days, on and off my mat. I carry it with me in the choices I make and the things I say.

I can do anything.

I’ve never been one to mince my words… So here goes..

Before you read this, you need to know two things. First of all this post mixes religion and the issue of abortion. Secondly, this post has about a 50% chance of pissing you off..

You have been warned.

OK I should preface this whole thing by saying a bit about how I came to believe that I should even attempt to blog about this. I was raised in a seriously conservative home. My mind was made up for me about everything. Basically I didn’t honestly have a mind of my own until I was about 16.. No lie. So without explaining to you every single painstaking detail of my intricate religious background I bet you can surmise that I was raised to believe that God hated abortion, abortion is wrong, and even.. even that abortion will get you a front row seat on the first bus straight to Hell. Yep, that’s it in a nutshell.

Fast forward through my young adult life.. Passing over my wedding day and landing somewhere in January of 2003. That’s the month I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Now maybe I was shallow, or maybe just like everyone else. But I had rarely, prior to that day, really given much thought to the abortion issue. I had never extended my thought beyond, “it’s wrong.”

But something happened to me when I became a mother. And I have heard tell of women who prior to conceiving would never have given second thought to labeling themselves “pro choice.” I have heard of that, and I get that. I do. But for me, I had the opposite reaction.

Here’s where people start clicking out and getting angry..

I don’t believe in labeling myself, really. I think labels are often times a cover, or a button we wear when we are too lazy to develop our own thoughts, opinions, and ideals. Labels offer safe haven in conflict and allow the wearer to disappear behind thoughts and actions that they themselves do not necessarily have to take responsibility for. So, I never have put on the label “pro choice.” Because for me, it’s just not that simple.

So on that January day, or sometime around then, I realized something very important. Carrying a child, conceiving a child is a Holy responsibility. I believe it’s a miracle. I believe it’s beautiful. I believe it’s sacred. I believe every child has a right to live. But.. I believe outside of those beliefs, there is an outer ring of fundamental truths that I cannot sweep away in order to join the other side of this debate so that I can wear the label “pro life.” I also realized that day that what I had long believed about God’s opinion of abortion was just no longer true for me.

What it’s taken me 28 years to admit, and about 400 words to finally say here is that I believe that God is pro choice. Yes, that’s right, I said it. God is Pro-Choice. Now before you start throwing sharp objects at your monitors, allow me to explain.. Please?

Remember way back when in the Garden? Remember how God allowed Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge? Remember how He commanded them NOT to eat from it, warning them. And remember that He never stopped them? Remember that? That was choice. God allows us choices. He always has. He always will. Everyday we make choices about what’s right and wrong, and we never think twice.

While I certainly don’t have the time here to explain the extent of my thoughts on the Character and Nature of God, I feel fairly certain that He is Loving, Kind, and Forgiving. I also feel fairly certain that God would be saddened to see a woman in the disaster of making a decision about abortion. But the problem comes when we assume that somehow by outlawing something, or making it “wrong”, or removing the option – that we are somehow fixing a moral issue.

I believe that abortion is a moral issue. I believe it’s a choice, and an issue that we must deal with according to our own moral compass. In addition, I believe that a government cannot dictate morality to anyone. I believe that the government has no right to tell a woman what she can or can NOT do with her body. Each of us, alone, individually is accountable for the decisions we make. I do believe that we are responsible for the way we live our lives, and that choosing life is important. I would never applaud abortion as a “good choice.” I would never suggest it to a woman in a crisis. BUT I cannot rationalize removing her right to choice, her God-given right, because I believe she alone can do that.

I don’t have the solution to this issue. I don’t have the answers. I wish it were simpler. I wish that women were never placed in the situation to even feel like they had to make the decision to abort. I wish that the morality of the whole of the world was pure. But that’s not the world we live in. And so, I take my place right in the middle, wandering about on this issue. But ultimately hoping that there could be light on both sides of the argument. Hoping that somehow we can one day find an answer.

In case you missed this one..

Powerful interview..

No Bad News.

Life has been moving at an incredible pace lately. There are many many days I don’t even have time to stop and think about what day it is or what month.. I attribute much of this to just being a mother of two small children. Time flies, life goes by so fast. My boys are growing up. They’re literally changing right in front of me. Sometimes it makes me sad, but most days it just makes me proud. I am proud of my life, proud of my kids, proud of what’s becoming of us.

I don’t have many complaints lately. I think that’s a good thing, a sign that either I am learning to be more tolerant or my life just really is that good. Either way, it’s a good thing.

I was reading back over old blogs and I realized I hadn’t made a “Thankful” list in a while. So, for posterity, here goes.

I am thankful that I am healthy.
I am thankful for delicious, whole, raw food.
I am thankful for yoga.
I am thankful for my studio, the teachers, and the classes.
I am thankful for this incredible body that is changing everyday.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for my kitchen (even the fruit flies).
I am thankful for people far away even though I miss them desperately.
I am thankful for heartache that teaches me to be stronger.
I am thankful for the ability to take care of my family.
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for Dave.
I am thankful for music, songs, signing, playing, and making noise..
I am thankful that Spring has arrived.
I am thankful that it’s going to be warm enough to swim really soon.
I am thankful that I can be strong even when I have no idea where the strength comes from.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for God.
I am thankful for this journey.

I had the best time today catching up with a close friend. We sat and chatted, and it was wonderful. I treasure times like this because they are rare. But Leigh Anne is the kind of friend that no matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t matter. It was fun to sit and laugh. It really reminded me of why we’re friends, why we’re close. She’s one of the strongest women I know. I admire her so much, and I look forward to the day we can have more time together. Leigh Anne has been a friend for a long time. She was around when I got started as a mother, she was there for the birth of my second child, and our kids have been friends for what seems like forever. I love her so much. And I hope she reads this and knows it.

Not that you asked, but yoga is going well. I’ve been practicing very regularly and loving it. I’m feeling very at peace about my progress and practice. It’s never been my goal to coast along, but it is nice to feel a little more settled. I am progressing, and I feel great.

Today is the beginning of Passover. We have been invited to a Seder tomorrow evening. This will be my first time to attend a Seder and I am totally excited. I’ll keep you posted.

And since this is one of those rambly blog posts, I will leave you with this little video. It’s a trailer for a movie I can’t wait to see called Enlighten Up!. Enjoy!

40 days

Sometimes I struggle to write openly about my spirituality. Especially here on my blog. I have come to find that the more intimate my own beliefs are, the harder they are to verbalize. Often I keep them to myself or write them privately. I choose not to use my blogging platform as a place to shout about God or prosthelatize my own beliefs onto my readers. Even now, as Lent comes to a close, and I approach what many many Christians observe as the Holiest of holidays, Easter; I find it difficult to slip easily into a narrative about how I am feeling and what I am experiencing.

I was walking through the store this morning. I noticed in the particular store I shop in the enormous quantity of “Easter” paraphernalia. Candy, plastic eggs, baskets, toys, stuffed bunnies, animatronic dancing carrots (no lie).. An entire double sided aisle of the store was devoted to these things. Absent among them would be the things that I associate with Easter. Of course, I doubt that the symbols I think of when I reflect on this holiday would be attractive if molded into milk chocolate and wrapped in foil. I find myself disgusted with the spectacle that this time of year becomes. There are bunnies parading around the mall and food coloring-dyed chicks on display at the local pet stores. You can get your photo taken at the local designer studio with real live bunnies! Oh don’t forget the endless egg hunting available to your children. There are cross raisings at local churches and “end of Lent” feasts if you would rather stay in the the flock. Of course, there is a quieter side to this holiday. This is the side that I prefer. There is a ritual and a quiet penitence. There is a realization of the truest meaning of Easter. On this side, in the shade of the huge Easter pageant, there are no plastic eggs. There are no milk chocolate bunnies or candied corn. There is only me and God. And this is where I find myself today, the place I have been since the beginning of Lent. Quietly observing and listening and hoping.

Lent, as it turns out is about preparation. Preparing your heart and your mind (and I believe your body) to receive the greatest gift. This gift is the point of Easter, the point of Lent, the point of Good Friday, Palm Sunday, all of it. Christ, risen – alive. But without this preparation, without Lent – it’s a little like going to meet the queen without taking a shower. I didn’t say much about Lent here on my blog. Mainly because this is the first year I have truly observed Lent, for myself. Quietly, I have spent this time trying to understand it. I have always heard the word, and felt I should harbor some reverence for it. Lent.. Lent.. It just sounds so.. religious. But what I have found is that Lent is not at all religious, it’s not at all boring, and it’s not at all what I expected.

My good friend Angelique has been sharing a great deal with me about her Lenten experience. I find her journey fascinating. Many times we have chatted, often times late at night, about how similar our journeys seem to be. We have both tried to put into words what actually is happening, and we both have failed to do so. While Angelique and I share different faiths, we do share this singular idea. We share the hope that somehow, through the past forty days of Lent, we will emerge different women.. And ultimately prepared.

So today is Good Friday. Sunday is Easter. To some, it means nothing. It’s just labels we put on days and words we hear at church. For others, it’s a yearly carnival of things we don’t really understand. This year, for me, Easter will be a quiet passage. I will choose this year to observe Easter the way I believe it is meant to be celebrated. I am ready. I think. I have worked hard to be ready. I am ready to be thankful, ready to be repentant. I am ready to fully realize the sacrifice made for me. I am ready to worship, pray, and enjoy the miracle of the Resurrected Christ. I am ready to spend this Easter truly being hopeful. Truly understanding and truly whole.

One Conversation

I stole this idea shamelessly from Shellee. I think it’s beautiful.

I want to find the strength to really be the person I am made to be.
I want to learn how to be more patient.
I want to understand more about You and why You love me.
I want to be fully healthy and whole.
I want to be a yoga teacher.
I want to give everything I can to ending the suffering around me.
I want to share more of Your Love.

I want..

I hate that I am constantly reaching my limits.
I hate that I get so angry so easily.
I hate that I cannot write music the way I would like to.
I hate that I don’t have enough time in the day to do all the things I would like to do.
I hate the times that I walk away from my husband angry.
I hate that I can’t imagine a day when I won’t have to struggle for peace.
I hate that I can’t end the illness in my family.
I hate that I have passed on bad habits to my children and I don’t yet know how to change them.
I hate that I have addictions (even the small ones) that keep me distant from God.
I hate to be late, I hate to be tired, I hate to be hungry..

I hate…

I need to believe that my life will make sense.
I need to love as deeply as possible.
I need to have time to myself.
I need space to breathe.
I need to pay my bills, and care for my family.
I need to read,write, sing, pray, work, and move..
I need yoga.
I need to sweat.
I need to travel.
I need to understand more about Your plan for me.
I need to learn more music.
I need sex, passion, and intimacy..
I need late nights and early mornings.
I need dinners with friends and Sunday morning bagels.

I need…

I fear that I will never be as great of a mother that people think that I am.
I fear my children will resent the things I ask of them.
I fear losing control.
I fear never understanding why things happen.
I fear losing my husband.
I fear losing my children.
I fear losing my home, our jobs, and all that we have..
I fear loss.
I fear becoming just like the person I resent.
I fear that some days my anger will get out of control.
I fear losing out on Your love.
I fear that I have said too much, been too honest, and tried too hard.
I fear death.

I fear…

I love my life.
I love my family.
I love that I can do things with my body that people cannot believe.
I love that I have found something that makes me feel new..
I love yoga.
I love music, writing, singing, sex, dancing, food, and fresh air.
I love being in bed with nothing to do but talk to Dave.
I love movies, books, and time alone.
I love driving.
I love that I have been to so many places.
I love the strength I see in my friends.
I love that no matter how hard things get, I have so many people around me that will pick me up and encourage me.
I love community.
I love babies.
I love chocolate.
I love going to sleep after a hot shower.
I love that one day everything will make sense.
I love that my future is secure.
I love God.
I love knowing that Dave loves me.
I love Dave.
I love that my husband is finally realizing his dream by going to school.
I love kisses from my kids…

I love…

Bittersweet… Symphony.

Great song, so great.. and the song on my iTunes at the moment.. so it becomes the title of this blog.

I have had some challenging religious conversations today. And basically I feel a little confused and exhausted. But what I am left with is a simple reflection.. I am not responsible for changing the way others view God. I am responsible for sharing what I know of God and sharing his love. But ultimately, I am not responsible for changing someone’s beliefs. It’s hard to swallow, having been raised in such stuffy churches.. Where you weren’t right if you weren’t Baptist. Of course, I had no idea then what I would come to believe. Probably good because nowadays I see little of who I used to be. In a good way. I have mentioned before the so-called spiritual crisis I often feel that I am experiencing. I am not afraid of it, or worried. I am simply experiencing. Experiencing the thrill of taking it all in again fresh. Learning who God is, what Jesus was all about – from scratch. It’s amazing, like eyes of a child (if only) and frightening all at the same time. Some days I feel a little bit like I am floating in a huge ocean of religion on a tiny life raft of my own spirituality. Other days I feel like I am firmly rooted into the earth, with my roots shooting deep. While I don’t know the difference yet, or what happens to make the two happen separately, I can appreciate the differences.. Observance is my closest friend lately. Observance, silence, stillness, and reverence. I am trying to be completely thankful, completely open, completely believing, completely receptive. But the focus has narrowed. The flesh and bones of my faith is not the huge doctrinal statement, the one that I tried desperately to cling to as a teen, but a simpler handwritten letter from God himself. “I love you, I made you, I want you to be near me.. Share me with other and love deeply..” It’s not long, wordy, or complicated. It’s simple, and bittersweet. It makes me frustrated some days, wishing He’d write more. Other days it comforts me, the simplicity of the command. Even still, some days it reads like a beautiful song.. And I share in the chorus.. The most beautiful and touching part of the letter is that it invites a personal touch, a personal relationship. God is reachable, touchable, and real. He’s here, with me, always.. And that is all the comfort I need..

Healing

It’s 9:30 and I am so not sleepy. Which is kinda strange since I woke up at the lovely hour of 4 am.. OK it was 4:18, but close enough, OK? Details, details… I’m sitting here floating. Listening to music, chatting, the calm of my house is a stark contrast to the day that just ended. Earlier I couldn’t keep my eyes open, now I am more awake than ever. So, what better time to blog eh?

It’s no secret that I am glad the Holidays are over. In more ways that one it was a painful one for me. Coping with personal grief, stress, and the unknowns took their toll. I’ve been reflecting on it for a while, wondering what it was that got me through it. I could try to say it was this or that, but it was yoga. Plain and simple, the yoga. When I went back to class Nov 1, I was battling heavy duty depression. Things were very stressful at home, my relationship with my mom was in the beginning stages of falling apart, and I was losing my grip on my emotions. I went back because I was so unhappy, not only with my body, but with my spirit. I write a lot on here about how yoga has changed my body. Made me stronger, made me feel better. But tonight, I have to talk more about my spirit, my heart. And not the muscle, but the heart that aches, jumps for joy, and breaks with love for my family. When I went back on Nov 1, I had no idea that I was going to enter a season of such intense change. I had no idea the immense storms that lay ahead for me. I didn’t know the YWAM shootings would happen. I didn’t know the situation with my mom would worsen. All I knew was that I was miserable, depressed, and on the edge of my own cliff. I went back to that hot little orange room wanting one thing, peace. A break from the running, the noise, the stress. But what I found was far greater. And now I am here. No short journey to be sure. But as I reflect back on the two plus months I have spent giving myself over to my practice, I am humbled by the grace I have been afforded.

I wrote before that “God Loves Yoga.” Well, I believe that God used yoga to begin a healing in my life. I have always believed God can use anything to bring us closer to Him. I don’t typically blog a lot about my faith, because I believe faith is SO personal, so intimate, it’s hard to talk about for me. In addition, I believe my faith is a work in progress. And it’s not too long after I write something about what I believe that it changes, or shifts.. And I again, get caught… But tonight I will talk about my faith, because it’s foundational to my process, my journey. Without the faith I have, I would have given up a LONG time ago. I would have jumped ship. But God won’t let go of me. Even when I ignore what he says to do, he never lets go. I can’t imagine my life separate from that grace. And it’s that very grace that found me back at class a few months ago..

If I believe that God never lets go, I have to believe that God loves me enough to even grab hold in the first place. I have to understand that kind of love. And I have to find a way to change the way I view my self worth. Because if the God of the universe loves me enough to hold on to me, that means I’m worth something? yeah? I think so. So for me, to recognize this once again, fresh from scratch.. That’s HUGE. It’s the song we sing as a little kid. “Jesus Loves Me, this I know..” HELLO, huge spiritual revelation of the week. The most simplistic form of faith- the core of my belief is this. Jesus (God) loves me so much, he never lets go.. That simple thing brings me healing. So pure and real.

I’m looking forward to seeing more things come to me in this process. More change more healing. More revelation of who I am. Because I really do believe the journey is never over..

God Loves Yoga

I have been asked so many times.. In so many different ways.. How does God feel about yoga? Should Christians be doing yoga?? This is a heavy question for a number of reasons. One because I can’t possible ever assume to say how God feels about yoga and two because I still feel a little ignorant about the whole Christianity/Yoga/Spirituality mishmash.. Soo… I typically say something along these lines.. The God that I know probably doesn’t mind the kind of yoga that I do. I think most of the things we do in life are driven by two things, intention and passion. If your intentions are in the right place, and your passions aligned with your own moral code, I think you are on the right path.. Yoga is a tradition that is older than anyone on the earth.. I dunno “how old” it is.. But it’s old.. The traditions of Yoga are steeped in many different Spiritual paths that tend to veer far from Christianity. I’ll say here that I can’t even begin to understand them or grasp the depths of all of the Yogic philosophies or practices, but I DO respect them. In the same way that I respect how devout a Buddhist or Hindu might practice their faith. I believe it’s possible to respect something without absorbing into your own life. I also believe that there are good things to be found in all Faiths, and there’s nothing wrong with learning from other religions.

So, that takes me back to the question.. Would Jesus approve of my yoga practice? Simply, yes, I do think he would. I am not particularly fond of the assumption that because it is yoga that it is also “wacky” or “Hindu” or “New Age.” In particular, the type of yoga that I practice, Bikram yoga, while certainly rooted in traditional Hatha Yoga philosophies is not overtly “Spiritual” in practice.. MY take on Bikram is that it’s a hot sweaty yoga class and that’s about it. We do not chant or pray.. We do not say “om” or quote anything from the Baghvad Gita.. We just work, and sweat, and work some more..

People say “Yoga belongs to the Earth..” It has also been said that Yoga is everywhere and in everyone. My personal yoga practice has taken me to some interesting places Spiritually and emotionally.. But all of them have been through the filter of my faith in Christ.. I think there’s a lot to be learned on the mat. I think there’s a lot to be learned from working hard, and doing things that scare you. I think you can achieve these results in many different ways. Athletes describe the same feeling all the time. Singers, musicians, performers, dancers, many find their “Holy Experiences” in what they do.. For me, I often find it on my mat..

It has been said that it takes 30 days to form a new habit. Well, I’ve been at this Bikram Challenge thing for 46 days.. I have done 55 classes. I have spent over 80 hours in the little hot orange room.. For many, that could be seen as a practice of devotion.. Spending so much of my time on the yoga, almost like a Spiritual experience. Well, it is.. The difference for me, is that my focus is on God.

A friend asked me recently “Do you feel like you are replacing God with Yoga?” I do not, for several reasons.. And while I am sure most of them do not make sense to others, the answer is still no.. My response was that I feel closer to God than I have in a very long time. Spending an hour and a half on a little foam mat every day – working through your fears, weaknesses, and imbalances can draw you nearer to any higher power you may call upon.. Especially when it’s 105 degrees in the room. I don’t have a good answer for HOW this works, I only know that it does. The past seven weeks have shown me more of myself that I have ever seen. More of my soul. When I go into that room, I manifest gratitude. It is after all God, who has provided the way for me to do this. It is God who created my body, and God who gives me the will and determination to go on. It is God who reminds me of His infinite love. And it is ultimately God that I thank for the positive results that I receive from my practice.

So, as I keep on this road, near the end of my challenge.. I don’t thank Shiva or anyone else. I thank God. I think he’d like that hot little room where I am often driven to tears of gratitude.. I think he’d like that I find so much peace in the heat, so much solace in the sweat. I think he would not be one bit worried about me.. In fact, I think he’d like it.. And he’d probably be pretty good at it besides.. Because God is not threatened by our journeys. I don’t think God is sitting around with a marker, X’ing off the “do’s and don’ts” of Christianity. I don’t think he hates Yoga. I believe that the pure in Heart see God. And I think there’s nothing wrong with a little hard work.

Namaste.

Sunburn in November

Random, no?? I could come up with no other suitable title.. So, that’s what you get…

I am finding, here, as I delve into this Facebook thing, that I am constantly being asked “what’s up with you now??”, “how are you??”, “what’s happening in your life?” So get ready, here it comes..

Well, for starters, life is freaking amazing. Plain and simple. Even on my low days (and I’ve had a few lately) I can’t shake that.. Life is amazing. I am totally amazed, totally honored, humbled and moved.. Recently Dave and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary. I think at that point, I realized what my mother always warned me about was true.. Time does fly. and it just starts flying by even faster when you start living it.. The past year has been a formative year for me, and our family.. But for now, I will just talk about me..

We moved into our house a year and a half ago. Celebrated our first year of home ownership in June.. I had ankle surgery almost exactly one year ago. So many big things.. We have made HUGE life decisions in the past year, and it’s just amazing.. How does life hand you so many choices and then TRUST you not to screw them up?? I have no idea. But it’s amazing. I started this year with a busted foot. Literally, only 8 weeks out from my surgery and hurting bad. I was frustrated and angry, but I pressed on. If you’ve known me very long, you know I love Bikram Yoga.. So, in January, I went back to yoga, busted foot and all. Dave and I were trying to make a decision about whether he would go back to school. Something he’s wanted for so long. We also tossed around the idea of putting Simon in preschool.. For the past year we’ve only had one vehicle. which, shockingly enough, hasn’t been THAT hard.

Well, before my brain spill goes into overdrive.. I’ll stay on track. When you have kids, especially young kids, life takes on seasons.. appropriately so.. I guess it’s probably like that for everyone, but I really noticed it when I had my kids.. So, there ya go.. Well, the past year of seasons has been unlike any other. I remember when I was single, or in YWAM, things passed differently. Now things pass with marked days.. First teeth, walking, first day of school, first haircut.. Christmas, Birthdays, even deaths.. They just feel different now.. Really, in a good way too.

Well, this year, all of my seasons have been incredibly distinct.. I can almost mark their changes with a marker on a calendar. Last winter was hard, cold. I was in a cast. Then spring came and things got better. I was feeling better and we were excited to see what God was going to do in our lives. The summer brought challenges, and exhaustion. Dave started school. We started making plans for Simon to start preschool. and now, Blessed Fall. my favorite of all. Fall is when it all happens. Our anniversary, both of our sons’ birthdays. holidays. I dig fall. I also love Fall because it’s the time of year I feel most creative. This fall, I picked up my guitar for the first time in years and wrote not just one but five songs in less than two weeks. And as surprising for me as that is, it’s just so freaking cool!

Well, tomorrow my baby turns TWO! Ellijah turns two tomorrow. He is our last child. We will have no more.. and he’s TWO! amazing, no?? I cannot believe it’s been two years.. TWO YEARS..

Ok enough with the sappy mom bit. Back to how freaking cool life is.. Dave started a Master’s Degree program in June for his LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) in Counseling.. I could not be happier for him, honestly.. This is something he’s wanted for years. Since we got together. And here we are, living life.. Doing the thing, cool right?? I think so..

Probably the best news of at least the past few months is that we have finally found a “church”.. I hate even using that word because we don’t even identify ourselves as such.. Rather a “community”.. and it’s everything we have been begging God for since we got married.. Just an amazing group of people that we can connect spiritually with and try to find our way.. Amazing. really amazing. It’s funny how God puts people in your path. And if you are lucky enough to listen and pay attention, it pays off. Big time. We are now enjoying a group that we’ve been looking for soooo long..

So, that’s the terribly mangled guide to our life. Dave’s in school, Simon’s in preschool, and I’m writing music.. Oh and doing yoga again.. And little Eli, well, he’s just himself. and now he’s TWO..

Can’t believe it’s ONLY November 1..