Never too far..

I have been deeply affected by something I read recently on a friend’s blog. I don’t care to link it because honestly I believe it’s far too private and intimate to have the whole blogosphere cross referencing my thoughts. But I have had such deep thought about it that I decided to sit and write about this issue of separation, distance, longing, and loneliness.

I spent a great deal of my young adult life working and traveling. I was alone in that I was single. I had friends, but I was completely transient. At the drop of a hat, could have easily gone anywhere, done anything. For the most part, I saw this as a freedom, a privilege. But there were many days that I would sit alone in my bed and wonder what it would be like to have someone lying beside me. What would it be like to have a partner, a life long companion? I tried, of course, not to dwell on this. Seeing as how at that time I had no prospects for such a relationship. But that didn’t erase the fact that I wanted it.

Now that I am married, and have been for some time; I have developed such a dependence on Dave. I need him. I need his voice, his face, his body. I need him to turn the locks on the doors at night. I need him to keep me warm and remind me to laugh. I need his questions, his chatter, his smell. I need to see his clothes in the closet, and see his wallet on the counter. I need to know he’s here.

Lately we’ve had such a crazy life. We are more often apart in the evening than we are together. One evening is yoga, the next a meeting, the next he is gone to class, the next he is doing the show… On and on.. Day upon day. I sometimes feel like we pass one another in life. Like we are just cohabitants.

I believe I am cursed in a way. I need the tangible. I am addicted to it. I can’t stand surface relationships, surface communication, it’s too generic. I long to touch people, see them, know them. Pictures aren’t enough, emails don’t satisfy me.. I need more. Dave and I always find a way back to each other. We can have the longest week and in one instant, it’s gone. Behind us. In one moment we are back, we are together again, and the distance is gone. He is laying beside me, holding me, telling me something about his day. And in that minute, I forget how far apart we seemed just moments before.

I treasure this connection. It makes me feel alive, and new. I despise loneliness and separation. But there are times when it’s not up to me. There are days and nights I feel apart from those I love. Friends living too far away, family distant, it’s a lot to deal with. As I get older I get less and less content to just cope with my frustrations over being separated. I feel like somehow, I deserve to have these people around me. Whether or not I do is another story. But at least, in trying, I feel like the road is shorter. At least by reaching out, I know I have come that much closer to holding the ones I love. And that makes me feel a lot better. Even when the distance and time seem to be against me.

Sacred Vows

I have been asked many many times to write a blog like this. I want to start this blog by saying a few things. First of all, I am no expert. I am not a marriage therapist, I am just a woman. Secondly I am merely sharing thoughts on something I love and value very deeply. These are just my opinions..

It seems all around me marriages are falling apart. It’s no longer uncommon for me to hear things like, “He’s leaving” or “We’ve decided to separate..” It makes me wonder what has happened to marriage these days. Even close friends who I always thought were in very solid marriages – it’s happening to them too. I can’t help but wonder what’s going on in this crazy world. What’s happening? What’s the problem?

I got married when I was 22. Dave was (and still is) my best friend. We have an unlikely love story. He’s a little over eight years older than me. We met when I was a teenager. But even after all those years, we fell in love. I was young, for sure. But I never doubted that I was meant to marry him. I never got cold feet. I never feared marriage. At the same time, I was not one of those girls who always dreamed of the wedding. I didn’t have a binder full of ideas that I had been saving for years and years. I didn’t have intricate fantasies about my wedding day. I just figured when it happened, it would be awesome. I left it at that. Of course, as a young woman, I did think about relationships and marriage. As I got older, and saw friends get engaged and marry, the issue became very real for me. But I was so young, and I was working and traveling. I guess, as cliche as it sounds, you could say that love found me.

Dave and I spent a full year engaged. I was still working for YWAM Denver. He eventually moved to Colorado to be closer to me. It was a hard year for us. I was gone for part of it. We planned a wedding long distance. He worked, and we shared lives (as much as two people can before they live together) for a full year. We learned so much during that year. We learned about one another in ways that I will never regret. Perhaps even more importantly, we learned the value of patience and perseverance. We loved, laughed, cried, fought, and talked until we were exhausted. But at the end of that year, we were never more ready to get married. We really really knew one another.

A very wise woman once told me this.. “Karen, marriage doesn’t have to be hard.” I believed her and I still do. Marriage doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t have to hurt. It doesn’t. Of course it is demanding, far more than most realize. Marriage can challenge you at the very deepest core of who you are. It can push you and pull you and wring you out. Marriage can make you feel whole, but it is not what actually makes you so. Marriage is a job, it’s a career, it’s work. Some days it’s easy. Some days it’s fun. Some days, it’s neither. But ultimately, I believe the reason we get married, the reason we stay married is because we truly love the person. Because we believe that we are to be bound to that person. That God has given them to us, in the most sacred way. They are ours and we theirs. I spoke vows on my wedding day. I was standing in a white gown, before my family, God, Dave, friends, and our dear friend Andy.. I spoke the vows that I still think about today.

I, Karen take thee Dave to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold. To love, honor, cherish, and obey. For better or worse, for richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. Until death do us part..

Marriage vows, those little words. We hear them so much. Dave and I said classic vows. We didn’t look around for vows that sounded hip and cool. We spoke these words, simple and classic. We spoke them with no fear or hesitations. Even now I look back on that and remember saying those words. It was dizzying and wonderful. And I meant every word.

I’m not here to speculate on divorce. I’m not here to cast judgment on those that choose to leave their marriages. I am only here to speak about what I know of marriage. My marriage is far from perfect. There are days I feel frustrated, angry. There are days I want to run (true) and hide. But I know how close I am to the center and I am never afraid. We are in charge of our own hearts. We can choose this. We can choose to love. Or we can choose to doubt and fear. We can choose to let resentments paralyze us. We can choose to lust, desire, and look around for something else. It’s all about choice. I like these lyrics from the song I linked below.. (lyrics by Tony Lucca)

Baby if we keep it together
Ain’t nothing we can’t make it through
Told you I could give you forever
Baby I can, I will, I do..

Marriage to me, is a journey. It’s long and often arduous. But it can be deeply satisfying. Once you let go of your fear, you can grow. Marriage takes two people, and a lot of love. It takes time, and sweat, and dedication. Marriage goes beyond the white dress, and the cake, and the photographer. It’s bigger than pretty pictures and fine stationary. Marriage is getting up in the middle of the night when your lover is sick and holding them. Marriage is embracing each other at any stage of life and feeling secure. Marriage is never fearing the change. Marriage is aging together, and finding out what it means to love someone for exactly who they are. Marriage is about seeing one another in the worst possible state and still feeling your heart skip a beat. Marriage is deeper than love. But it cannot survive without it. Marriage is as fragile as it is strong. It is as wise as it is foolish. Marriage rises and falls like the tides, but it never gives up.

Love grows Love

So I had this whole huge blog written about turning 29 and time and our capacity to grow and change.. Well, two things happen. One, my computer ate half of it. Two, I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my amazing husband. So I deleted the other half of my huge diatribe and wrote him an email:

To Dave:

I just wanted you to know that I love you.

My whole life is good because of you. You have shown me what love is, and what it means. You have unconditionally given me your heart and your life. There is not enough gratitude in the world, not enough words, not enough poetry to express how much I love you. My world is what it is because you are in it. You are my sun and my moon, my morning and my night. I love you more than you could ever know. I am so proud of what you are and who you are becoming. I am proud to be your wife and honored to be your lover. Everything good in my life is because of you, and I can’t tell you enough how much I love you..

I really do feel that way.. Words aren’t enough to express it. And trust me, I have tried. Many many times. Dave and I are best friends, lovers, partners. He is my whole world. People have asked me when I knew he was the one. I knew the minute he held me for the first time after I got back from Pakistan. We had been apart for a long time. To make an incredibly long story short, we had been out of touch. I had gone off to Pakistan to work for three months. While I was there, we kept up over email. Both of us tried to hold back, not knowing what the other was feeling. But love happens and real feelings come out. When I came home to the States, I traveled home to attend his brother’s wedding. I’ll never forget the day I drove to his mom’s house to meet him so we could leave for Austin. I was as nervous as a little girl. When I saw him, my heart melted, all mushy inside. But it was when he held me that I knew. I have never doubted his love for me. I have never doubted that we were made for each other. I met Dave sometime around the Spring of ‘96. We became close friends, eventually best friends. He’ll tell you he fell in love with me long before I even knew he was. But the best part of our story is that it worked out. Time, distance, age, none of it mattered. We ended up together. Isn’t that the ultimate love story? Half way around the world wasn’t even far enough to keep us apart. Pakistan and Memphis are really not so far apart when you love someone. Trust me..

So there, there’s my big vulnerable post about how much I love my husband. May it lighten your heart and encourage you to love more deeply.

Edited to add the following response from Dave:

I must admit I am really very selfish and wish to dispel any notions of my altruism.
I married you because you deserve someone who loves you as much as I do.
I support your dreams because it makes me feel whole and complete.
I spoil you because I get such pleasure from watching you blush and smile.
I listen to your stories because it cures my missing you.
I forgive you because it balances my own imperfection.
I make love to you because I am the luckiest man I know.
I live with you because you make my life meaningful in every moment.
So don’t go thinking it’s all about you. I get a lot out of it as well.
Dave

Where do I go from here..

Well if you have been keeping up with me at all, you know a LOT has been going on in my life.  This is NOT a blog about yoga.  Finally, one not about yoga or the challenge or any of that..  No, this blog is about pain, grief, exhaustion, and coping.  This blog is about stepping out and speaking up, surviving, refusing to be a victim, and telling the truth..

I have never fully understood the drive that someone would have to stay with someone that hurts them.  Emotionally, physically, sexually, any of it..  I just don’t get it..  Perhaps I am so blessed to have found a man that loves me so completely that I cannot imagine having to even question it..  But I just can’t imagine spending so much of my life with someone that belittles, abuses, and neglects me.  There is someone very near to me in my life who is doing just that.  It’s painful for me because over and over I have watched her “nearly” break free.  nearly..  I have poured myself out emotionally to help her time and time again..  Given of my time and resources to help, only to see her go back..  Over and over, and over..

They say love is blind..  Well, the love I know sees life with its eyes wide open.  It sees truth and hope and light.  Love doesn’t injure.  It doesn’t inflict pain.  It doesn’t wound..  Love is patient, kind, it keeps no account of wrongs, it is not easily angered..  Love is holy..  I know love because God has shown me love.  To say that someone “loves” you and to continue to allow them (enable?) them to harm you is outside of my scope of understanding.  To be battered, and to accept it is far from anything I can grasp…

I am wrestling with anger, pain, resentment, and grief.  Anger over another “here we go again” with said relationship and said person.  Resentment over all the hope I had built up that this in fact, might just be the “end” of the horrific relationship..  Pain over losing someone I love to such a horrible person.  and Grief.  Perhaps the most pronounced of all of those feelings..  The Grief I can’t explain..  Grief that drives me between tears and anger.  Grief that blinds me and makes me angry at God..   To grieve is to begin to accept a significant loss.  To work through the intense pain of loss.

I have found myself grieving several times this week.   Grieving the Denver shootings.  Alongside of my friends..  Grieving with my sister over so much complicated medical junk with her son..  and now I find myself again grieving this..  It’s an aching grief this time.  Like a cold that you can’t shake..  No matter how many blankets you pile on..

I am tired, and going to bed.  But I wanted to “spill” a little..  Thanks for reading