Pouring out.

I’m reminded tonight, as I sit to write about all the things on my mind of something Matt said once in a VPost while he was recording in Austin. He talked about feeling vulnerable, having the jitters, and being nervous. He goes on to talk about his emotional attachment to what he does and why he creates the way he does. I connect with this tonight, as I sit down here at the screen, somehow hoping to find some solace from the thoughts I wrestle with today. Matt touches on how he pours himself emotionally into his music, and how this often drains him. He goes on to talk about the ebb and flow of energy and how sometimes the enthusiasm for the things we really do love can change. Even though we love those things, and though the love never goes away, feelings fluctuate. Some days I feel this way about yoga. Some days I adore it, crave it, go after it. Other days, even though I still love it, I feel drained and nervous. I’ve taken this as a good sign of my real relationship with my practice, but it’s not easy.

As I talk about Teacher Training, I feel a mounting anxiety. It’s not an anxiety that I can’t or shouldn’t, or don’t want to go. It’s more of the anxiety a performer feels before they go on the stage. I feel like Training is me putting myself and my dreams on the line. I’ve been dreaming of teaching yoga for a long time, and to finally have my hand on that is a pretty big deal for me. But along with that dream, and the realization of it, comes a responsibility. I don’t mean to over-dramatize it or make it seem bigger than it is. But it makes me nervous thinking of going. Nervous in a good way. Nervous in the way that I know it’s going to demand a lot of my heart and soul, and I know.. I know what that means.

Lately, when I get on the mat, I feel centered. My mat is my safe haven. It’s neutral ground for me. Even when I have a tough class, I feel safe, secure. Even as the butterflies come and go, I feel grounded. But there are days (mornings, nights) when I sometimes feel like I leave a little too much on the mat. At times I feel that I give so much and pour out so much emotion in my class, it leaves me feeling empty. I am sure this is part of my process. I am sure I will learn to harness this, and I will learn to be more judicious with putting out emotional energy in class. But tonight, with early class ahead of me, I dunno. I feel nervous.

Matt says, “It’s not about it being easy..” He’s right. Practicing isn’t about it being easy for me. Neither is Training, or teaching. I have every confidence I can learn to teach and do it well. For me it’s about doing it with my heart, but still being able to function afterward.

So those are my very disjointed thoughts right now. I must be off to bed soon so I can get up early for class.

Five weeks…

Five weeks can change your life..

I have been quiet lately. Mostly because things have been so hectic.  But also because I just haven’t felt like writing.  I go through spurts where I’d prefer to sit on the sidelines and watch, listen, and observe.. I am in the middle of one of those spurts right now.

It’s been five weeks since I went raw. Five weeks of whole live food.  Amazing.  Really.

I’ll be back when I have more to say, I promise..

Oh and Happy Birthday Matt!!  May your last year of your 20’s be as fabulous as mine as shaping up to be..

Playing catch up..

First of all, before I say anything else. You must, absolutely must go to Matt’s new website.. Now.. Go.. Go on.. I’ll be here when you are done.. Done? Did you really go?? Did you listen to the sample of “Don’t you Dare??” Did you? Did it captivate you? It better have. He’s unbelievable. I run out of words to express my affection for Matt’s creations. You should get his old album, and spend every single day waiting anxiously for the new one like I have. I can’t say enough about Matt, and the genius songwriter I believe he is. Of course, I don’t necessarily intend for this blog to end up about Matt. But if you need even more Matt, you should also visit his blog to see his Vposts, and some really really great samples.. I highly recommend you make yourself familiar with this young man’s name. He’s going to change your life and absolutely change the face of music, I believe. At least for some. Definitely for me..

OK now that I have gotten my Matt adoration out of the way.. I guess I should tell you all about what’s been going on with me. I had an incredible weekend. Here’s a list of the great great things that happened this weekend.. I guess you could call this a “thankful” list..

Dave had Friday off from work
Dave got to study a great deal
Dave got a massage
Dave went out with friends on Friday night.. Had a blast
I went to yoga a lot
I had a manicure and a pedicure on Saturday
Dave cleaned the entire house for me, and did most of the laundry
The car was washed
We went to see Horton Hears a Who (yes it’s awesome go see it!)
We had yummy Mexican food
We had our Sunday Morning Panera ritual today
The kids played outside a lot
I had a “mommy date” with Tori at Chocolata
We had an awesome family dinner tonight (which sadly is a rarity for us these days)
I have sent and received a number of really really wonderful emails with said friend
I got to sleep late (ish) Friday and today
The wildflowers are blooming
The sun was out all weekend
We are all healthy and happy
I feel amazing, happy, and whole
I have time to write this blog
I listened to great music and laughed a lot
Dave had a chance to work on “non school” stuff he’s been wanting to do for ages
The kids played with some friends on Saturday
and lastly, we went grocery shopping and actually had a lot of fun

Not too shabby, huh?? I can’t even express how grateful I am and how badly we needed a weekend like this. I didn’t go to Advanced today. I took a break, choosing instead to hang out with my kids this morning. Funny enough, Jen told me they missed me. I had to laugh, but secretly it made me feel good. I didn’t miss it. I had a blast with my kids and Dave today. I couldn’t have asked for anything else.

I am healing, and loving the process of re-connecting with an old friend. It’s been so wonderful. I have found that time is a funny thing. It changes us all so much. But I think the way we embrace the change makes a huge difference. I am trying to embrace the changes. The changes that come fast or slow. They’re all good, really good. I have to remember that this is the life I have wanted for so long. I have wanted to be this very person all my life. It’s humbling to think it’s happening. I am so grateful.

So, even as the week stretches out in front of me and kind of intimidates me. I have peace, and I feel at rest. I am loved, I have good friends, an incredible family. I have a home, security, an amazing studio to practice yoga at regularly, and more blessings than I could even count. What more could a girl ask for??

Five albums you must own (or at least listen to..) Mammaren’s five faves of the moment.

Here we go friends.. The five albums getting the most play in my ears lately. All five of these deserve a spot in your iTunes, trust me.

In no (real) particular order.

1. Canyon Songs by Tony Lucca

Tony Lucca is nothing short of amazing and his voice is comforting. Canyon Songs is the perfect album for just about anything and anyone.

My favorite song on the album: So Long

 

2. Unspoken by Matt Morris

If you have been paying any attention at all, you know how much I love this album. You can read my review of it here.

My favorite song on the album: Tie between Eternity and Let Me

3. Futuresex/Lovesounds by Justin Timberlake

I’m not going to mess around and try to hide my love for Jt. I LOVE FS/LS in all its badness. It’s cocky, upbeat and fun to dance to. Way to go Justin.

My fave track: LoveStoned/Think that she knows..

4. Till the Sun Turns Black by Ray LaMontagne

 

I only recently found this one. It’s lovely and strangely classic. LaMontagne’s voice is a classic. Ruddy, deep and haunting.

Fave track: Gone away from me.

5. Red Carpet Massacre by Duran Duran

Who doesn’t love Duran Duran? I was stoked to see this one come out. It’s everything you love about Duran Duran, and more. Great music, great mixing, great album.

Fave Track: Nite Runner

Thankfully Thankful

I wrote a blog on Saturday about how thankful I was for so many great things in my life. Well, last night I sat down to blog and WP was doing maintenance, so I was unable to write. Well maybe that’s a good thing. Because if I thought I was grateful last night, today I feel twice the gratitude. One of my teachers says frequently at the end of yoga class “Remember to be presently present, thankfully thankful. Always grateful for the time you have in this room every day..” Yesterday evening I had one of those classes that left me feeling so good I couldn’t stop smiling. I literally felt like I was floating a few inches off the ground when I left the studio. Cisco says “Let no one steal your peace..” Well, I tell you, I don’t think anyone could have taken feeling from me last night. So, this morning when the alarm went off at coughfoura.m.cough I was incredibly grateful. Grateful just to have the option. Grateful just to be alive, healthy, and able.

I’ve watched many people in my extended family fall ill over the past few years. Several of my in-laws have serious medical conditions that are affecting their lives so deeply that they are beginning to require long term care. While I am only 28, and have a lot of life ahead of me, it does scare me a bit. The thought of aging so un-gracefully – literally falling apart. I have this body, and I’m not going to let that happen. One of Bikram’s senior teachers Emmy Cleaves is the ultimate example of NOT falling apart as you age. Emmy is 81(ish) and could easily kick my ass all over the yoga room with no problem whatsoever. I recently read a tribute to Emmy on the Bikram Yoga website

The teacher trainee commented the following quoting Emmy and going on to describe her amazing teaching style..

“(quoting Emmy Cleaves:) There is a dark, damaging side to most athletics. There is a protective side to Yoga…There is a process to be observed, of course. If you are a beginner and go into a class where the teacher tells you to stand on your head, RUN. First you need to learn to stand on your feet.”

She does do headstands, by the way. In fact, as teacher of the advanced class, she must both examine/ teach her own body as well as the others in the class. “I’m standing on my own head, thinking about my body, how it feels and what I need to do, while I bark out orders to the others in the class.” When asked her about how Yoga affects her daily life, she said, “It’s on par with breathing. Look, it’s like taking a bath, it’s basically hygiene. The days I don’t do Yoga, I can tell, my body can tell.”

In 1973, after more than 20 years of exploring various kinds of Yoga, Emmy went to a demonstration given by a 26 year old Yogi named Bikram Choudhury. ‘I was fascinated by the energy and precision of his demonstration.’ Bikram began reteaching Emmy everything she had learned. ‘We argued, we really argued. I had done Yoga for a long time, none of it the way he demanded it be done…’The posture is not the object,’ he would say, ‘your body is the object.’ I began to get very frustrated. And that heat! I said, ‘Bikram, if you’d turn down the stupid heat, this room would be much more full.’ He said, ‘An empty barn is better than a barn full of naughty cows.’” After visiting India and discovering that many medical research centers there did the postures Bikram’s way, she returned to Beverly Hills and immersed herself in Bikram’s logic of his 26 specifically designed postures, intended to tone the endocrine, lymphatic and digestive systems, increase blood flow, expand the lungs and produce a strong and limber musculoskeletal system. To attain the benefits of this series, the sequence of the postures is paramount, which is why Emmy defends Bikram’s controversial decision to copyright his method. ‘If you take the formula for penicillin and leave out one of the ingredients, you no longer have penicillin.’

As for her inimitable teaching style? “I believe in giving physiological instruction in the class as well as physical instruction. It helps the body learn. Bikram and I argue constantly about my style. He wants me to teach more like him. He yells at me, I yell at him. But Bikram himself used to give a lot of that information and it is important… I never do advance planning. The bodies give me the information I need to teach the class; I simply react to what I see. This occurs on both a physical and a mental level; each class has its own physical and spiritual energy. I teach to what I see. Sometimes people come up to me afterwards and ask, ‘How did you know I needed to hear that?’ The bodies tell me.””

While I can only hope to age as gracefully and beautifully as Emmy, what I can do is more than hope for more Bikram Yoga. I can get up every day and practice. I can choose to go to class instead of sleeping late. I can choose to choose to do it. I was reminded this weekend that yoga is truly one of the incredible disciplines I have taken up. Apart from my personal spiritual devotion, never before in my life have I spent so much time doing one thing every single day.. I am so incredibly thankful for it. And not just on the “high” days or the days I have a great class. Even when it’s a struggle, I am grateful.

I am grateful to share this yoga with others. I am grateful when I hear that Matt tried Bikram Yoga for the first time yesterday. And I am incredibly grateful when he says he wants to go back. I am grateful that my back doesn’t hurt, my ankle has healed, my knees are strong, and I can DO floor bow. I am grateful that I was able to do the 60 and I was able to finish it. I am grateful to my husband for never letting me give up and never giving up on me. I am grateful that my children will know a mom who does yoga, and is healthy, and hopefully want to do it themselves.

One day I’d love to learn from Emmy. I’d love to fall to my mat heaving for breath because I’ve been schooled in balancing stick by the master. For now, I continue on down my path of health and happiness. I am humbled and amazed. I am present and thankful.

Namaste

Mammaren Reviews: UnSpoken by Matt Morris

Matt Morris:  UnSpoken

Brief Bio:
Matt Morris is a Colorado native songwriter and musician whose roots go deep into the music world. Born in 1979 to Terri and legendary musician Gary Morris. Matt went on to do a four year stint on the Mickey Mouse club. He has received several Grammy nominations for collaborations with the likes of Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson. Matt also counts among his super star friends Justin Timberlake. Matt Co-Wrote the duet between Reba McEntire and Justin “The Only Promise that Remains.” Matt has released one album, UnSpoken, and is currently in the studio working on his second album. He was recently signed with Justin’s label Tennman Records.

The Album:

UnSpoken is unlike anything I have ever heard. I found this album a little by mistake. But man, am I glad I did. Matt’s songwriting is complex and thoughtful. His lyrics go beyond “typical” and lean on the heaviness of emotion. The big track, Eternity is a heavy hitter with surprisingly spiritual references.

“Somewhere between the first creation and tonight
Was a million incarnations of me, myself, and I
I was a savior in another life
With a white robe flowing in the morning light
I walked with angels through my darkest plight
In the desert for forty days and forty nights”

It gets better, much better…

“I’m carrying the memory
Of these things inside of me
I greet them with humility
They’re with me for eternity”

Matt goes on to write with such intensity that it seems that surely he will run out of amazing metaphors, but he doesn’t. Interspersed through the 14 tracks are 4 “interludes” of haunting piano and simple vocalizations. Matt is no novice musician, and he proves it. My personal 2nd favorite track on UnSpoken is “Betting Man,” a song about lost love

“You had your red stilletos on the day you walked all over me.. “ Ouch

Later in the album, Matt sings “Let Me” an unusually intimate love song.

“Let me, let me make a memory. Let me take you slowly, let me go deeper. Just hold tight, I will make it alright. I will love completely. If you just let me..”

UnSpoken is beautiful from beginning to end. Released in 2002 it was ahead of its time and still is. There’s no shortage of thought or talent in this album. Perhaps the only thing missing is more tracks. I get the feeling that I’d like Matt to sit at my piano and sing. UnSpoken is available on Amazon as well as iTunes.

UnSpoken is so rich and powerful, I find myself impatient waiting for more. Matt is a true artist and a uniquely personal musician. I think we’ll be hearing a lot more from Matt.

Be sure to check out Matt Morris.net for real video blogs from Matt and personal writing.