Never too far..

I have been deeply affected by something I read recently on a friend’s blog. I don’t care to link it because honestly I believe it’s far too private and intimate to have the whole blogosphere cross referencing my thoughts. But I have had such deep thought about it that I decided to sit and write about this issue of separation, distance, longing, and loneliness.

I spent a great deal of my young adult life working and traveling. I was alone in that I was single. I had friends, but I was completely transient. At the drop of a hat, could have easily gone anywhere, done anything. For the most part, I saw this as a freedom, a privilege. But there were many days that I would sit alone in my bed and wonder what it would be like to have someone lying beside me. What would it be like to have a partner, a life long companion? I tried, of course, not to dwell on this. Seeing as how at that time I had no prospects for such a relationship. But that didn’t erase the fact that I wanted it.

Now that I am married, and have been for some time; I have developed such a dependence on Dave. I need him. I need his voice, his face, his body. I need him to turn the locks on the doors at night. I need him to keep me warm and remind me to laugh. I need his questions, his chatter, his smell. I need to see his clothes in the closet, and see his wallet on the counter. I need to know he’s here.

Lately we’ve had such a crazy life. We are more often apart in the evening than we are together. One evening is yoga, the next a meeting, the next he is gone to class, the next he is doing the show… On and on.. Day upon day. I sometimes feel like we pass one another in life. Like we are just cohabitants.

I believe I am cursed in a way. I need the tangible. I am addicted to it. I can’t stand surface relationships, surface communication, it’s too generic. I long to touch people, see them, know them. Pictures aren’t enough, emails don’t satisfy me.. I need more. Dave and I always find a way back to each other. We can have the longest week and in one instant, it’s gone. Behind us. In one moment we are back, we are together again, and the distance is gone. He is laying beside me, holding me, telling me something about his day. And in that minute, I forget how far apart we seemed just moments before.

I treasure this connection. It makes me feel alive, and new. I despise loneliness and separation. But there are times when it’s not up to me. There are days and nights I feel apart from those I love. Friends living too far away, family distant, it’s a lot to deal with. As I get older I get less and less content to just cope with my frustrations over being separated. I feel like somehow, I deserve to have these people around me. Whether or not I do is another story. But at least, in trying, I feel like the road is shorter. At least by reaching out, I know I have come that much closer to holding the ones I love. And that makes me feel a lot better. Even when the distance and time seem to be against me.

Playing catch up..

First of all, before I say anything else. You must, absolutely must go to Matt’s new website.. Now.. Go.. Go on.. I’ll be here when you are done.. Done? Did you really go?? Did you listen to the sample of “Don’t you Dare??” Did you? Did it captivate you? It better have. He’s unbelievable. I run out of words to express my affection for Matt’s creations. You should get his old album, and spend every single day waiting anxiously for the new one like I have. I can’t say enough about Matt, and the genius songwriter I believe he is. Of course, I don’t necessarily intend for this blog to end up about Matt. But if you need even more Matt, you should also visit his blog to see his Vposts, and some really really great samples.. I highly recommend you make yourself familiar with this young man’s name. He’s going to change your life and absolutely change the face of music, I believe. At least for some. Definitely for me..

OK now that I have gotten my Matt adoration out of the way.. I guess I should tell you all about what’s been going on with me. I had an incredible weekend. Here’s a list of the great great things that happened this weekend.. I guess you could call this a “thankful” list..

Dave had Friday off from work
Dave got to study a great deal
Dave got a massage
Dave went out with friends on Friday night.. Had a blast
I went to yoga a lot
I had a manicure and a pedicure on Saturday
Dave cleaned the entire house for me, and did most of the laundry
The car was washed
We went to see Horton Hears a Who (yes it’s awesome go see it!)
We had yummy Mexican food
We had our Sunday Morning Panera ritual today
The kids played outside a lot
I had a “mommy date” with Tori at Chocolata
We had an awesome family dinner tonight (which sadly is a rarity for us these days)
I have sent and received a number of really really wonderful emails with said friend
I got to sleep late (ish) Friday and today
The wildflowers are blooming
The sun was out all weekend
We are all healthy and happy
I feel amazing, happy, and whole
I have time to write this blog
I listened to great music and laughed a lot
Dave had a chance to work on “non school” stuff he’s been wanting to do for ages
The kids played with some friends on Saturday
and lastly, we went grocery shopping and actually had a lot of fun

Not too shabby, huh?? I can’t even express how grateful I am and how badly we needed a weekend like this. I didn’t go to Advanced today. I took a break, choosing instead to hang out with my kids this morning. Funny enough, Jen told me they missed me. I had to laugh, but secretly it made me feel good. I didn’t miss it. I had a blast with my kids and Dave today. I couldn’t have asked for anything else.

I am healing, and loving the process of re-connecting with an old friend. It’s been so wonderful. I have found that time is a funny thing. It changes us all so much. But I think the way we embrace the change makes a huge difference. I am trying to embrace the changes. The changes that come fast or slow. They’re all good, really good. I have to remember that this is the life I have wanted for so long. I have wanted to be this very person all my life. It’s humbling to think it’s happening. I am so grateful.

So, even as the week stretches out in front of me and kind of intimidates me. I have peace, and I feel at rest. I am loved, I have good friends, an incredible family. I have a home, security, an amazing studio to practice yoga at regularly, and more blessings than I could even count. What more could a girl ask for??

Love grows Love

So I had this whole huge blog written about turning 29 and time and our capacity to grow and change.. Well, two things happen. One, my computer ate half of it. Two, I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my amazing husband. So I deleted the other half of my huge diatribe and wrote him an email:

To Dave:

I just wanted you to know that I love you.

My whole life is good because of you. You have shown me what love is, and what it means. You have unconditionally given me your heart and your life. There is not enough gratitude in the world, not enough words, not enough poetry to express how much I love you. My world is what it is because you are in it. You are my sun and my moon, my morning and my night. I love you more than you could ever know. I am so proud of what you are and who you are becoming. I am proud to be your wife and honored to be your lover. Everything good in my life is because of you, and I can’t tell you enough how much I love you..

I really do feel that way.. Words aren’t enough to express it. And trust me, I have tried. Many many times. Dave and I are best friends, lovers, partners. He is my whole world. People have asked me when I knew he was the one. I knew the minute he held me for the first time after I got back from Pakistan. We had been apart for a long time. To make an incredibly long story short, we had been out of touch. I had gone off to Pakistan to work for three months. While I was there, we kept up over email. Both of us tried to hold back, not knowing what the other was feeling. But love happens and real feelings come out. When I came home to the States, I traveled home to attend his brother’s wedding. I’ll never forget the day I drove to his mom’s house to meet him so we could leave for Austin. I was as nervous as a little girl. When I saw him, my heart melted, all mushy inside. But it was when he held me that I knew. I have never doubted his love for me. I have never doubted that we were made for each other. I met Dave sometime around the Spring of ‘96. We became close friends, eventually best friends. He’ll tell you he fell in love with me long before I even knew he was. But the best part of our story is that it worked out. Time, distance, age, none of it mattered. We ended up together. Isn’t that the ultimate love story? Half way around the world wasn’t even far enough to keep us apart. Pakistan and Memphis are really not so far apart when you love someone. Trust me..

So there, there’s my big vulnerable post about how much I love my husband. May it lighten your heart and encourage you to love more deeply.

Edited to add the following response from Dave:

I must admit I am really very selfish and wish to dispel any notions of my altruism.
I married you because you deserve someone who loves you as much as I do.
I support your dreams because it makes me feel whole and complete.
I spoil you because I get such pleasure from watching you blush and smile.
I listen to your stories because it cures my missing you.
I forgive you because it balances my own imperfection.
I make love to you because I am the luckiest man I know.
I live with you because you make my life meaningful in every moment.
So don’t go thinking it’s all about you. I get a lot out of it as well.
Dave

I’ve lost track..

Of the time it’s been since I spoke to her. I used to know how many weeks it had been. But now I have lost track. It was sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We went out, had lunch, and were excited about her moving out. She was more radiant and happy than I had seen her in months. I was hopeful and thought that finally finally change was coming. It’s been my WHOLE life, afterall. I’ve been watching her crumble, slowly. Then she comes back to life, then she crumbles again. For the first time in my whole life, I have finally drawn my own line. For the first time I have said to her if you make this choice again, if you go back.. I am out. Initially, it stung, like cutting your finger on a knife when you are slicing an apple. It stung and bled for a few days, a week maybe. Then the sting gave way to a numb ache. Some days it comes back, leaving me cloudy and angry. Other days it just lingers in the back of my mind.

The day I found out she was going back, it was like cutting it all over again. It was about ten days after we had last spoken. The wound was ripped open all over again. The holiday came and went. Christmas felt strange. Like a non holiday.

It’s a grief I cannot name. Not having her around feels strange and normal all at the same time. I miss her, but I don’t. I don’t miss the frustration and constant worry. Yet now I worry more. I feel she is lost for so long. One day I want to give in and call her, the next I am so angry at her I can’t even speak.

Today I feel like the sky. Gray and rumbling. I want it to just rain. To pour. To wash out. I wish things would just fall apart and storm. But they won’t. It just rumbles and rumbles.. And it’s so. cold….

Quick thoughts on the L word.. Love

Love

It moves people to do amazing things.  It tears down walls, destroys fear, and makes roads through wilderness.  Love consumes and burns.  Love aches, it spins, and it explodes.  Love is the most amazing thing to find and the most devastating thing to lose.  Love causes us to give up our comforts and go long distances.  Love writes songs.  Love jumps off of bridges and climbs mountains.

Today I have been reminded about the selflessness of love.  I am grateful to know this kind of love.

To my Love..  Everything good in my life is because of you.  I love you.  Thank you.  I hope when you read this you are as humbled by the vastness of how good our life can be.  I would not be who I am without you.  I want to spend every day of my life reminding you how much I love you.