Working woman.

It’s weird for me sometimes having two blogs.  My other blog is typically just for yoga talk.  This blog tends to house all of my other thoughts.  It works, but sometimes I struggle to figure out where to write certain things.  Yoga is such a huge part of my life, it’s rare for me to write anything without mentioning it at least a bit.  But the variety is nice, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve been really enjoying  Matt’s new blog.  It’s great, you should definitely read it.  And comment, and join in the discussions.  Go now, I will wait.

Anyhow.

I have a job.  How weird is that?  I have spent the past eight years of my life basically unemployed.  Prior to that I worked for YWAM Denver.  Which, depending on how you look at it wasn’t really employment per se.  So now, at the age of 29, I have a real job.  Except, well, it’s the best.. job… ever.

Being a yoga teacher, for me, is..  well…  perfect.  It’s the perfect job for me.  Really.  It’s been funny to suddenly be on a schedule, getting paid (OK that part is more awesome than weird or funny), and having to be on time for work.  I don’t mind, I’m a grown up, and I love teaching.  But seriously, I have a job.  A real job.  Nice one, mamma.

Working has been good for me.  It’s given me time doing the thing I love, teaching yoga, and some time to be alone a bit.  But there are a few interesting things I’ve learned and observed lately about myself, working, and having a job. (I am shamelessly stealing this list making idea from Matt, thanks Matt)

When you have a job, alarm clocks take on new importance.
I am obsessed with being on time, and I’m almost always early.
A good cup or maté, or a good cup of coffee is essential when working before 6 am.
Being a “Yoga Teacher” solicits a LOT of interesting responses.
I have the BEST work wardrobe ever.
My “office” is really hot.  But it’s supposed to be.  I like it.
Having a good relationship with your boss is really important.
A warm cup of tea in the middle of the afternoon can really fix almost anything.
Feeling good about what you do for a living might be one of the biggest keys to being happy in life.
My kids love it that “Mommy works at Yoga.”
Spending a whole day away from home makes those ‘welcome home’ hugs and kisses even better.
Working is rewarding.
Working can be exhausting.
Working is sometimes boring.
I like having a job.
Sometimes a granola bar and a cup of soy milk is enough for dinner.
I don’t go anywhere without a bottle of water.
Having access to unlimited tea, Kombucha, and coconut water is awe-some.
I have the best job ever.

Gravity and the New.

What is it about New Year’s?  Even I, in all my ho-hum pensiveness, cannot escape the inevitable draw to reflect and look forward at this time of year.  So here I am.  It’s January 1, 2009.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about the importance of this date.  Of course, it’s a new year, day one.  But at the same time, it’s just another day.  This day found me much the same as the past few days have found me.  I woke, ate, showered, dressed, went out.  I took a yoga class, came home.  Not much is really different.  But there is some sort of strange gravity about this day, and I kinda like it.

I’ve had a killer year.  2008 was by far, the best year of my life..  ever.  I accomplished things this year that I would never have even thought were possible.  I never like overly quantifying things, especially good things, because I think it somehow devalues them.  So, I’m not going to say, “this was the best thing, and that was the second best thing..”  It doesn’t matter.  It was a good year.  I made some incredible life changes this year, climbed some amazing mountains, dealt with huge things, and gained some very important perspective on my life.  I grew up, got healthier, took control of my life, and did things I’ve always wanted to do.  It was a good year.

I was reading Matt’s recent post on his New Blog (which I love) and was inspired to think of all the New things in my life.  I have a New Job.  I am a New Bikram Yoga Teacher.  I have a New Life, New Body, and New Hope.  I have many New Friends, who have become like a precious family to me.  I have New Patterns and New Dreams.  I want even more New Things for 2009.

I am not the type to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I think they’re fine, for what they are, but they have never served me well.  I don’t make lists of things I want to do.  Instead, I set my intention on making changes.  This year I have a few major changes I want to make.  They are things that have already been set in motion over the past few months, and even years.  I look forward to seeing them come to fruition in 2009.

Even with all the New things in my life, even with the goals I have set for this year, I still find myself mostly just grateful for right now.  2008 was an incredible year for me.  So, in light of that, I will share a list with you all of some of the things I am most thankful for from the past year.

I am thankful that I am healthier today than I was one year ago.
I am thankful that I am still doing Bikram Yoga
I am thankful that my family is healthy and whole.
I am thankful for the love Dave and I share.
I am thankful to have the ability to maintain the boundaries I have set in my life.
I am thankful to have met so many amazing new friends this year.
I am thankful for the strength I have found inside.
I am thankful that I was able to do Teacher Training.
I am thankful for the support that I have to pursue my dreams.
I am thankful for my home studio, my job, my bosses, my fellow teachers, and the amazing community at BYTW.
I am thankful that I can share yoga with others.
I am thankful this year brought me hope.
I am thankful to be healthy and well.
I am thankful for every blessing.

I wish you all an amazing New Year.  Remember to give thanks always.

Namaste.

Essil on.

Just enjoy this amazing song. Below are the lyrics and you’ll find a beautiful explanation of the lyrics here. I’ll post more soon about why this song means so much to me.

Essil on
Essil on erifet al
Essil on
Essil on eriftel al
Essil on

I travelled through light
I travelled through light; I am not afraid

Njosnavelin The nothing song. Sigur Ros

Gratitude

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately about Teacher Training, Bikram Yoga, and other people on the Challenge from all over the world. It’s inspiring, and exciting to know that the Bikram world is so huge. But today, after my HUGE day of yoga, I feel completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I was laying on my mat after Advanced today and really had that, “I could cry I am so happy” feeling come over me. It’s like a wash of emotion that has been hitting me a lot lately. I feel like this yoga has given me my life back. I know I talk about this a lot, but I can’t say it enough. Bikram yoga has changed me so much, I can’t even recognize the person in the mirror some days. I feel a little bit like I’ve been handed a very fragile gift, that if I drop it, will shatter into a million pieces. But at my core, I feel like even if it shattered, I’d still be grounded.

The most profound changes have been happening in my body, mind, and heart. I have read so many of those stories and testimonials about Bikram students and the incredible things they’ve seen happen for them. But I’m here to tell you, I have to get in the line with them. I cannot believe that I am able to do nearly four hours of hot yoga and still be so full of energy. I can stand on one leg, twist my body, work, push, and do it all with a smile. Bikram says over and over and over, “give me your time and I will give you your life back.” It’s incredible, and so true. I crave that hot little space, my mat, the work.

So, I just wanted to spill a little bit with my gratitude. As the next few months unfold and I prepare for training, I want to look back on this day and remember this feeling. Even when the days are hard, and the classes make me angry. I want to remember this gratitude and know that no matter what, I am a new person..

Normal

I haven’t been talking much about my raw food experience. Several reasons, really. But mostly because it’s just so.. complex. I find it hard to write about it. Also, it changes daily, which is probably the perfect reason to blog about it. But anyway, I haven’t been saying much. I am going on nine weeks. And the other day I was driving and thinking about it and almost thought I had lost track of how long it had been. I consider losing track a good sign for me. A sign that I am developing acceptance and no longer marking days and weeks, but just living the life. Which is, afterall, my goal.

So, in taking up my new Bikram Challenge, I also took up another challenge. I decided I wanted to do my entire challenge 100% raw. Cuz, I don’t like for anything to be easy. And also, because I felt like it was the perfect time to stop making excuses and let go of that last little bit of cooked food I’ve been clinging to in my diet.

This raw food thing is complex for me. It’s tough, and easy all at the same time. Today we went out to dinner with family. It was odd for me, I haven’t eaten socially much since doing this. And, we ended up at a completely not raw-friendly restaurant. And yet, sitting there, I was at such peace. I ordered my salad, and didn’t worry. My family is still weirded out. They still haven’t let go of trying to “get it..” I dunno, maybe they never will. For me, it doesn’t matter. I told Dave in the car on the way to the restaurant, my diet is not on the table for discussion tonight. He agreed, and it wasn’t..really. But it’s hard for them to not ask a million questions. I admire and respect their curiosity. And I try to be gracious and share when asked. But there are times, many many times, I just want to eat my salad and not be “the weird one.” I know this is not, in fact, the normal way for most people. But I am trying to make it normal, at least for me.

I feel resolute, and much less whiny about my eating than when I started. I struggled so much with cravings. The most recent battle I’ve had is my cravings for bread, wheat, anything with gluten. Probably THE worst thing I could actually eat. And yes, I’ve failed, and I have gotten up and started over.. Respecting the process, of course.

I was laying in final Savasana this morning thinking about what it means to be normal. I think normal is an illusion. It’s like a carrot dangled in front of us. I’ve never really wanted one way or the other to be normal or not. I remain indifferent. But sometimes, when I’m the “raw yoga girl,” being normal seems pretty appealing in a crowd.

But then I remember all those silly things people say about changing the world and making a difference and doing things my own way. Different drummer and all that. And I wonder if we really mean it or if it’s something we say to somehow soothe the insecurity we feel from feeling too normal. I mean, look at me. I sit here with the most amazing life and yet, I want that normal feeling. Crazy, really.

Sixty days ago, I woke up and headed down this path. Sixty days ago. To the day. Two full months. I had no idea then what I would feel like now. Literally a new person inside and out. I’ve shed so much of the old person. It’s like an ongoing metamorphosis. I feel it in fast forward some days. Other days it seems to not be happening at all. But underneath all those little insecurities, when I am desperately searching for a road marker, I feel that peace. That abiding peace that tells me, “this is who I’ve always wanted to be. This is who I am supposed to be.”

And really, I think that’s better than being normal.

Blossoming..

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

I am in a pattern of learning, growing, and blossoming. I have heard this quote so many times, and have always loved it. But it’s especially meaningful to me right now. The past five weeks have been incredible. Really the past six months have been incredible. But it’s all starting to happen now. Change is happening now. I can’t quite figure out if I have been preparing for this change for the past few months, or if I am only now ready to see it. Or, I wonder, if maybe it’s just really happening now because I finally believe in myself enough to let it happen.

I love how Nin said, “and the day came..” It indicates that somehow prior to that moment, it wasn’t possible. Or maybe that prior to that day, or that instance, or that opportunity.. And the day came. It’s perfect. There’s a resolution to it, relief. Somehow, the wait is over. Beautifully resolving. We’re all waiting for that day, aren’t we? I used to wonder if I had missed that day. I don’t think that anymore.

Change takes place on so many levels. I believe life is always changing us. We are constantly blooming, growing, getting pruned back. If we are honest with ourselves, we can easily see these patterns, even if they’re painful. But there’s risk in real growth. The natural patterns of life force us to grow to a certain extent. Natural aging, change, and life lead us through the ebb and flow of growth. But there is growth – blossoming, even, beyond that.

Nin goes on to talk about risk. Ultimately implying that the risk to stay the same was more painful than the risk to blossom.. grow, change, bloom. I think many of us have a hard time associating change with risk. As if somehow it’s a choice. I don’t honestly always think change is a choice. In fact more often than not, I believe change takes its own shape in our lives. But I think what Nin was referring to here is a conscious change. A deep, personal, intimate change. Change that revolves around singular choices with decidedly opposite results. It is those very changes that matter. And it is those changes that we so often run from. Change, choice, risk.. To the extent that we allow change to affect us, to the extent that we make choices that forever alter the landscape of our futures, to the extent that we learn to risk; it is there that we find true blossoming. True growth.

I fight back the urge to shake my fist in the air at the past.  I become angry at somehow not being able to understand this before.  Why now? Why here?  Why, at age 29, do I find more clarity, direction, purpose, vision, and hope than I ever have? Why?  It certainly doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t add up.  But then again, neither does the way a flower blooms in the desert.  It just happens.  This beautiful unfurling.  Blossoming, out of my old self, and into a beautiful flower.

No Bad News.

Life has been moving at an incredible pace lately. There are many many days I don’t even have time to stop and think about what day it is or what month.. I attribute much of this to just being a mother of two small children. Time flies, life goes by so fast. My boys are growing up. They’re literally changing right in front of me. Sometimes it makes me sad, but most days it just makes me proud. I am proud of my life, proud of my kids, proud of what’s becoming of us.

I don’t have many complaints lately. I think that’s a good thing, a sign that either I am learning to be more tolerant or my life just really is that good. Either way, it’s a good thing.

I was reading back over old blogs and I realized I hadn’t made a “Thankful” list in a while. So, for posterity, here goes.

I am thankful that I am healthy.
I am thankful for delicious, whole, raw food.
I am thankful for yoga.
I am thankful for my studio, the teachers, and the classes.
I am thankful for this incredible body that is changing everyday.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for my kitchen (even the fruit flies).
I am thankful for people far away even though I miss them desperately.
I am thankful for heartache that teaches me to be stronger.
I am thankful for the ability to take care of my family.
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for Dave.
I am thankful for music, songs, signing, playing, and making noise..
I am thankful that Spring has arrived.
I am thankful that it’s going to be warm enough to swim really soon.
I am thankful that I can be strong even when I have no idea where the strength comes from.
I am thankful for the sun.
I am thankful for God.
I am thankful for this journey.

I had the best time today catching up with a close friend. We sat and chatted, and it was wonderful. I treasure times like this because they are rare. But Leigh Anne is the kind of friend that no matter how long it’s been, it doesn’t matter. It was fun to sit and laugh. It really reminded me of why we’re friends, why we’re close. She’s one of the strongest women I know. I admire her so much, and I look forward to the day we can have more time together. Leigh Anne has been a friend for a long time. She was around when I got started as a mother, she was there for the birth of my second child, and our kids have been friends for what seems like forever. I love her so much. And I hope she reads this and knows it.

Not that you asked, but yoga is going well. I’ve been practicing very regularly and loving it. I’m feeling very at peace about my progress and practice. It’s never been my goal to coast along, but it is nice to feel a little more settled. I am progressing, and I feel great.

Today is the beginning of Passover. We have been invited to a Seder tomorrow evening. This will be my first time to attend a Seder and I am totally excited. I’ll keep you posted.

And since this is one of those rambly blog posts, I will leave you with this little video. It’s a trailer for a movie I can’t wait to see called Enlighten Up!. Enjoy!

Two weeks tomorrow..

Tomorrow will be two weeks for me.  Two weeks on raw foods.  I am both amazed and humbled.  This has been the longest I have gone on raw foods ever.  It’s been an incredible two weeks and I look forward to more weeks and months ahead.

Mostly I have been dealing with emotional detox.  Changing your diet this radically lends itself to all kinds of crazy things.  I find myself constantly dealing with my personal attachments to eating.  But it’s wonderful.  I have been able (with a great deal of grace) to really stop and listen.  To listen to my body and what it wants.  I have been listening to myself so much that I have learned a lot about what I really want and who I really want to be.  I have decided in the past few days that I will not eat when I am angry, stressed, lonely, or sad.  I will wait, breathe, and let myself stabilize.  I tend to make better choices this way.  It’s helping and so much has already changed.

I am also feeling better on my yoga mat.  I feel more connected.  I feel calmer and more open.

Raw food is a long journey for me.  But I am so happy to be this far.  Here’s to many more weeks to come..

Goodness is all around us..

You will see from my previous post that today is Good People Day 2008 and I am excited to write this blog in contribution to such a great great idea.

I really do believe that goodness is all around us. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family. I am beyond blessed by the goodness I have. But what also astounds me is the goodness I see in the world. Sure, we are in a time of war, nations are fighting, people are losing jobs, the economy is slumping. Things are hard, but people are still good.

Perhaps looking for goodness produces goodness. Kind of like having a good attitude keeps your life in order. I dunno, maybe some are luckier than others. I haven’t figured it all out quite yet. But I do know that goodness is everywhere. And I am particularly happy to be able to participate in it.

Social media is changing the way people relate. It’s changing the way we interact and the things we value. I believe we can do one of two things. We can either reject this new way of communicating, claiming that it’s poisonous and destroys authenticity. Or, we can embrace it and use it for good. Services like Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, Pownce, LinkedIn, and the multiple blog interfaces offer endless opportunity to plug in, load up, and connect. There is a vast interconnected web of these services. I have found there are two types of people out there, people in on it and people who hate it. There is very little in the middle. But I believe each one of these services offers boundless opportunity for good and a real way to connect in the modern day.

So on Good People Day 2008, I salute Social Media. I salute my online friends. I salute the bloggers I love, the Twitterpals who read my endless chatter. I give thanks to my friends who live too far away that I connect with on Facebook and Myspace. Because they are all very Good People.

In addition, I give unending thanks for the people in my “real” life. My life unplugged. The friends in flesh and blood, that I hug and talk to, and see. I love you all too. You are part of me, and I love having you around.

Maybe one day my two worlds will collide and suddenly it will all be the same group of people. The blurring has already started, as I see “real” friends join social networks and even as I meet in flesh and blood friends from my online life. It’s a crazy, wild, fast world. But friends, it’s so GOOD!

Lifted

I woke up in a bad mood today. A really awful, classically hormonally driven BAD MOOD.. So the better part of my morning I chose to avoid society. Probably for the best. But anyone who knows me well knows that there are a few things that will at least help me when I am in one of these moods..

Diet coke.. I know, but HELLO Phenylalanine!! God’s own mood enhancer.
Good Music (like Matt Morris)
Reading Blogs
Talking to friends
Massage (this didn’t happen for me today, but it goes on the list..)
Sweet baby cheeks..

Wait, what?? yeah, sweet baby cheeks. I guess these wouldn’t be on every list. But they go on the list today. Mostly because they really did lift my mood. Really. I believe God makes baby cheeks extra soft. There are a few reasons for this. But the main reason is that they’re irresistibly kissable. Eli, in particular has the sweetest cheeks ever seen by anyone. I know this because I am his mother and I kiss them regularly. And I happen to be totally impartial.

Every day when I lay down with Eli for naptime I am reminded of this. It’s an old habit from the days when I would nurse him to sleep. I lay down beside him, cradling his head in my arm and caress his head. His sweet blue eyes rimmed with the longest eyelashes ever. He grins and pulls his “KiKi” in close for a snuggle (that used to be mine).. I marvel at how his face has changed and he has grown up. Even at two, he seems so much older. He’s growing up, and fast. And then comes the moment that I love.. The sweetest part of the ritual. There’s a bit of back rubbing, a bit of patting, and then, the kiss.

The thing about kissing Eli’s cheeks is that one kiss is not enough. Never. In fact I venture to guess that if I were to do a field study on kissing his cheeks there would be nary a soul who could endure only one kiss. I always give a minimum of three or four kisses. Often they are rapid-fire kisses all over his cheek that elicit giggles from the sleepy tot. But I can’t get enough. I just can’t.

One day, in the not so distant future, those cheeks will fill up with cheekbones. Like Simon’s have. They won’t be padded with sweet baby fat any more. I will mourn the loss of those beautiful sweet baby cheeks. I will probably cry and be a pathetic maternal mess. But for now, they’re all mine..

And for today, they have totally lifted my mood..