Five weeks…

Five weeks can change your life..

I have been quiet lately. Mostly because things have been so hectic.  But also because I just haven’t felt like writing.  I go through spurts where I’d prefer to sit on the sidelines and watch, listen, and observe.. I am in the middle of one of those spurts right now.

It’s been five weeks since I went raw. Five weeks of whole live food.  Amazing.  Really.

I’ll be back when I have more to say, I promise..

Oh and Happy Birthday Matt!!  May your last year of your 20’s be as fabulous as mine as shaping up to be..

The ledge

There’s a certain point a person comes to when they have to push, to grow, to move forward, learn, take risks and be afraid of what’s next. They must give up the familiar, stop using what they already know, and press on. I call this “the ledge..”

Take for instance, me.. I have a beautiful piano. I love it, I know how to play it, and I like to sing and play and listen to it. But I have to get outside of it, and create. I have to step out on the ledge and relearn, rebalance, and try again. I have to toss out the same old music I have been singing, other people’s creations. I have to move forward, upward and on in life. I have to let go of the control.

The ledge is a scary place to be. Because it means you could fall. Things could suck, you could fail. You might spend hours and months and weeks and so much time and get nothing. And that is hard. But if you never try, if you never even open the window and go out on that ledge; you are just left sitting there..

Singing the same song.

Bittersweet… Symphony.

Great song, so great.. and the song on my iTunes at the moment.. so it becomes the title of this blog.

I have had some challenging religious conversations today. And basically I feel a little confused and exhausted. But what I am left with is a simple reflection.. I am not responsible for changing the way others view God. I am responsible for sharing what I know of God and sharing his love. But ultimately, I am not responsible for changing someone’s beliefs. It’s hard to swallow, having been raised in such stuffy churches.. Where you weren’t right if you weren’t Baptist. Of course, I had no idea then what I would come to believe. Probably good because nowadays I see little of who I used to be. In a good way. I have mentioned before the so-called spiritual crisis I often feel that I am experiencing. I am not afraid of it, or worried. I am simply experiencing. Experiencing the thrill of taking it all in again fresh. Learning who God is, what Jesus was all about – from scratch. It’s amazing, like eyes of a child (if only) and frightening all at the same time. Some days I feel a little bit like I am floating in a huge ocean of religion on a tiny life raft of my own spirituality. Other days I feel like I am firmly rooted into the earth, with my roots shooting deep. While I don’t know the difference yet, or what happens to make the two happen separately, I can appreciate the differences.. Observance is my closest friend lately. Observance, silence, stillness, and reverence. I am trying to be completely thankful, completely open, completely believing, completely receptive. But the focus has narrowed. The flesh and bones of my faith is not the huge doctrinal statement, the one that I tried desperately to cling to as a teen, but a simpler handwritten letter from God himself. “I love you, I made you, I want you to be near me.. Share me with other and love deeply..” It’s not long, wordy, or complicated. It’s simple, and bittersweet. It makes me frustrated some days, wishing He’d write more. Other days it comforts me, the simplicity of the command. Even still, some days it reads like a beautiful song.. And I share in the chorus.. The most beautiful and touching part of the letter is that it invites a personal touch, a personal relationship. God is reachable, touchable, and real. He’s here, with me, always.. And that is all the comfort I need..

Brain Bend

For the past two days I have been struggling in backbend. Now backbend is the pose I love the most apart from Camel (which is also a backbend..) It’s the third part of half moon. I typically LOVE this pose. But yesterday and twice today in class my brain has been fighting me in backbend. I took a back to back today. First class, not so bad. I was stiff, so backbend was ehhh.. so so.. Second class I felt like a gumby but still couldn’t get my stupid back to let go.. It’s all in the brain. I felt like saying “excuse me brain, but could you please go away?? My spine needs a nice deep backbend..” But no, regardless of how hard I tried, I still didn’t get as deep into this pose as I typically do. And it’s all in my MIND!!! Stupid brain, get outta my way!!!!

So, as the sweat pooled at my feet in my second class today, I tried to stop thinking and just “do”.. This is certainly not easy. I’m a thinker, an analyzer. Shutting myself up long enough to listen to dialog and do yoga is really hard. Maybe one of the most challenging things about this yoga..

But the funniest thing has happened to me today. As a result of the three hours of yoga I have done today, I feel incredibly relaxed (read: exhausted) and Zen.. I fell asleep while getting Eli down for a nap today and rested for about half an hour. When I woke up I was so calm. Incredibly calm. I bet you tomorrow’s backbend will be better..

Not that that’s the point, of course. But it’s still frustrating to see and know what’s going on..

Impossible is nothing

Someone recently commented to me that my yoga challenge was “insane” and “impossible this time of year…” and honestly I can kinda agree. But the truth of the matter is there really is no GOOD time to cram 60 Bikram classes in, is there?? If you follow that logic, you’d never really ever do the class. I mean, nobody really LOVES what goes on in there, right?? 90 mins of heat, sweat, and HARD work.. Why? Because impossible is nothing.. Nothing. Arnie (one of my teachers) often says “you can talk yourself into or out of anything..” So true, so true.. Often I think we exercise the latter. Telling ourselves “it’s a bad time of year to focus on yoga” or “now’s not a good time to commit to a routine..” whatever, it’s easy and even logical to call sixty straight days of Bikram impossible. But don’t tell the 54 other students enrolled in the challenge that, we all have our eyes on the prize. New health, a new body, and most importantly – that warm fuzzy feeling. I DID IT.. I did it.. Impossible is nothing..

So, today I did a back to back class. Totaling just over three hours in the heat. Working, working hard. Tonight I am markedly more exhausted than usual. But I do feel good. It’s interesting what your mind goes through.. Euphoria, excitement, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, denial, bargaining, complaining, and then somewhere along the way.. acceptance.. Just do the class, Karen. Just do it.. The first class is all good. Work hard, do the class. Then the second class starts and you start to question just how good of an idea all this sweating is.. I mean, it’s not really THAT healthy for me, right?? Today, I went through about seventy different emotions between the time first class ended and the third posture of my second class started.. Impossible is nothing, but dammit if I can’t turn my stupid brain off.

Tomorrow, luckily, I am only doing ONE class. only one. Which, I guess is a good reason to be grateful. Impossible is nothing..